'Free!', Male Beauty, and Fanservice

OH, GOD DAMN IT, 2017, STOP KICKING ME IN MY OVERLY ANALYTICAL AND CYNICAL ASS WITH STUPID SHIT I'M SUPPOSED TO HATE! THESE STRANGE FEELS BURNING IN MY HEART HURT LIKE A MOTHERFU--

*clears throat*

Well, that was very undignified of me. My apologies.

Despite the obnoxious recent track record of consuming media that has pushed me beyond the comfort zone I maintained for much of my life, I don't feel particularly conflicted or violated in any psychological manner in regards to Free!. Thank whatever deity or deities that do or do not exist for that reprieve.

Over the course of a week  last month, I have marathoned Free! with its two seasons, handful of OVAs, and prequel film. After trying to have no expectations for the series' quality, I found myself really enjoying Free!. And felt feels. Felt enough feels that I laughed. And cried. Good to know that I'm still a woman.

That's the short story. The long story requires me to go back to 2012, when a little known Hollywood film caused a bit of controversy in some circles thanks to some good old double standards regarding good old fanservice.

'Artifact' and the Art of Screwing Artists

As much as I love video games and music, I tend to go through periods of preferring one over the other for a year or two. My high school years mostly had me listening to all kinds of bands Pandora and my online friends recommended. After finding a nearly a hundred, only ten or so are bands I still frequently listen to as I play video games during my days at college. One of them is Thirty Seconds to Mars.

They're not one of my all-time favorites, but I've enjoyed enough of their work to have the majority - if not the entirety - of their discography (along with Lacuna Coil, Bentley Jones, Breaking Benjamin, and HIM). I generally like Thirty Seconds to Mars' take on alternative rock with lots of melodies, a touch of harsh vocals, and occasional periods of building atmosphere to set a song's unique tone. Most of their songs tend to stand out to me because the band occasionally changes up the "format" of a song. They tend to follow the standard verse-chorus-verse-chorus pattern, but sometimes they throw in an instrumental break near the middle of a song that typically happens in the progressive rock genre. Throw in lyrics with tons of references to literature, religion, and mythology, some pretentious and philosophical music videos, and a tiny bit of self-awareness and that's Thirty Seconds to Mars. If more "ambitious" people who sing, act, direct, and be a celebrity who don't make huge holier-than-thou asses of themselves and their work like Jared Leto, I might be less of a skeptical person.

Or maybe Jared is an elitist asshole who hates his fans. Haven't seen or heard of any meltdowns yet on Twitter, so I'm staying optimistic.

'Vampire Academy'... Never Forget

I was right all along.

There be spoilers, because I don't care anymore.

Critical Meltdowns of a Neurotic College Student

Several posts have been staring at me for the past few months (i.e. Mass Effect 3 review), but I can't seem to get them anywhere. Instead, I'll be productive by talking about a few things that have been eating at my brain for a long time.

This semester has me focusing extensively on Japan: two history courses, a few mentions in other social science classes, and my attempting to teach myself 日本語 in my free time. So far I'm doing fine and I'm enjoying what I'm learning, and if it weren't for 汉语, I'd be more lost on Kanji than if I started from scratch. That said, having learned jack and shit about Asia as a continent of diverse cultures and countries has set me back tremendously. I'm still ridiculously ignorant about the Asian political scene, thanks in part to my being American and having been drowned in European ideologies and thought. Making any kind of comparison or acknowledging similarities between an Asian country and a Western country sometimes feels like it'll come across as childish at best and offensive at worst. Add the fact the United States downplays any kind of relationships and issues we have had with Japan at any point and time and I feel like I'm staring at a mountain too steep and dangerous to climb.

"But, Fangirl," you'd ask, "what's the big deal? Clearly you're putting more effort into this than some Americans, so why complain?" Well, setting aside the existential angst I'm continuing to suffer thanks to inconsistent and fragmented data on job prospects for college kids in the US, I overthink everything.

August 2015 Update: WHELP THEN...

... This was an unproductive summer. Not school-wise at least. My research is still chugging along, despite a few snags here and there from the internet community and myself. The usual ups and downs of life always happen. I'm still being vague about my MegaTen research project because I need to be 100% sure I will release/publish the information. If I'm ever going into research someday beyond college, I need to understand the ins-and-outs before diving head-first into an empty swimming pool. But I can assure the two or three people who know and are curious about it that it is still being worked on.

Fun fact: I am one of the seemingly few people who
hates and does not rely on coffee to live.

Real Life "Fun": July 2014 Update

Unlike past times when I've been inactive due to laziness, I've been... upset lately. To put it simply, I made a mistake that I had to experience sometime in my life as "practice" for similar, more serious cases in the future. "Practice" is the wrong word in a way, but that's how I'm viewing this. It's a lesson I'm learning so I might not make the same mistake again, especially if I'm in another country or am stuck with people speaking another language other than my own.

It's still too soon to say whether or not this issue has been resolved. I'm still uncomfortable about it. And I'm replaying a ton of Mass Effect just to make me smile and laugh. And my friends on Skype have been supportive emotionally with advice or a long night of chatting.

Speaking of which...

A few more light-hearted reason why I've been busy. I'm getting the word out about the contest to win a free signed copy of Quantum Devil Saga on DDS-Net on Twitter so there are more submissions. And a few friends and I have hung out together as Rasen streams Shin Megami Tensei: Nocturne. It has it's own wiki entry. And it's on TV Tropes. Just... wow. O_o

If anyone is interested in hearing me, Fangirl aka Mel, and my lovely voice, here are links to the longer parts (if you have no life whatsoever). And some videos.

From Part 3:

Part 4

From Part 7:

It's ok. I understand if this is too much insanity to take. XD

The Closest Thing to Me Ever Releasing My Awful Fanfiction

... Then in a few years that statement will bite me in the ass.

Anywho. Time to vent.

Whenever I sit on my lazy young adult bum with a roof over my head thanks to owing thousands of dollars in loans for something called "education", my mind wanders. Usually the ideas are silly or nonsensical in the grand design of the universe. But sometimes when I use my imagination, I usually wonder how I could use my ideas in a productive manner. Writing was the only tool I knew I would have the easiest time using. Maybe not to the degree of becoming an author - though my one friend has urged me to - but enough so I could articulate my thoughts well in English. Other times, I could destroy someone's grammatically poor rough draft and give him/her pointers to make a better piece before the final copy is due.

If I put enough effort into it, I could write a well-written, grammatically sound paper. The actual quality behind or emitting from the mechanical aspects tends to confuse me more. My teachers and professors say my knowledge of grammar is solid, but how do they know what I'm saying is worth a cent of thought? What do I say that ensues my earning an A-?

Outside of academia and term papers, I always wonder, what makes a story "good"? How do you know it "clicks" or "works"? Preferences for style and genre only can go so far, I'm sure. Still, determining what is "good" bothers me when I look at my own work.

Persona 4: the Golden Rant

This is an emergency.

I really need to get this off my chest. All progress on my review is on halt because of my emotions. I cannot make any progress and cover Persona 4 objectively without tossing out moldy food from the fridge. I have so much beef over so many things so trivial that I have no idea how to not make an unfair, unbalanced review. And I swear to God this is the last teaser for the review! I am sorry, I am sorry, I am sorry, I am so very sorry!! So let me just say this stuff now before we get another Persona 3, Part 4.

I am glad Gamestop charged $50 for Persona 4 a few years ago. It would have been a big mistake to invest in it that soon. Because if you are interested in Atlus and their Shin Megami Tensei franchise like I was, Persona 4 and Persona 4 Golden are the worst gateway games to try first.


Before anyone makes a doll of Fangirl and starts tearing her limbs off... HEAR ME OUT.

...BTW some SPOILERS run amok.

Need to Vent... RISING.

For some odd reason my text gadget is glitching out. So my most recent "PSA From a Fangirl" will be a blog post instead. This won't happen very often. It's just a quick way for me to make a quick note about something that hit me. You might as well call it a tweet, only less toilet updates and celebrity gossip chains.

Anywho.

PSA From a Fangirl:
The US government has shut down today. Both Republicans and the President refuse to negotiate on the budget and health care reform.

China is free to demand us to cough up what we owe. North Korea is free to send out a nuclear missile. The terrorists are completely welcome to attack us on our soil again. Paranoid, hypocritical Christians are free to build their shelters when the supposed "Evil Islamic Armageddon" destroys the "good ol' 'Merican spirit!" "God bless the USA!"

Seriously. We are at our most vulnerable. We are practically begging for our country to crash and burn! We're practically asking for the nations our beloved fathers crafted for us to be decimated!! If these threats are real enough to manifest to enact change, please attack our country! We can't get anything done because of ideological and geopolitical cat fights. We need something to yank our heads out of our behinds!

And I blame all Americans - soldiers, politicians, businessmen, rednecks, intellectuals, conservatives, liberals, Congress, the president, the judicial branch, the federal government, the state government, lobbyists, diplomats, the religious, the irreligious, every ethnicity that exists in this country, the proud, the stupid, the smart, the young, the old, families, singles, the married, the rich, the poor, the middle class, capitalists, socialists, anarchists, men, women, students, the healthy, the sick, the dying, the druggies, the alcoholics, the smokers, the immigrants, the natives, doctors, teachers, journalists, bloggers, paparazzi, celebrities, Youtube celebrities, comedians, talk show hosts, musicians, tax payers, tax collectors, government organizations, straight people, gay people, transgender people, the employed, the unemployed, those who cannot vote, those who can vote AND myself.

Because it's all our fault. WE LET THIS HAPPEN. 

... ... ...

I'm too young to be tired of the epic failures of this world.

... ... ...

Y'know... I don't want to hate my home country. I honestly don't. The United States is my mother country and culture. I'm so embedded in it, I sometimes can't imagine myself living anywhere else and being just as satisfied. As much as I find China and Japan to have cool cultures and languages, I won't ever fit in there. I'd like to live in Europe sometime, but English is my only reliable form of communication. Plus, I'd stand out in a Caucasian continent. And let's not get started with politics, laws, money, and taxes...

Then I look at the state of the US now. We are so backwards and delusional. We're not the greatest country anymore. Hell, I doubt we ever were the greatest country in the world. We're just so rude, narrow-minded, arrogant, and irrational, it astounds me that we were once considered "the greatest country ever".

... ... ...

Yeah, I'm supposed to be a kid with big eyes and a drive to live on my own and make a different in the world.

Then the government shuts down because our leaders are so stubborn.

I guess we're just not motivated to do anything anymore. I know I'm fighting laziness and childish urges to crawl into a hole and play video games for the rest of my life. But when my elders show no desire to get work done, the sickness spreads and trickles down.

And this is the United States' greatest failure.

... ... ...

And it's been going on for nearly a decade.

... ... ...

... ... ...

*checks calendar*

I can't wait 'till I turn 21. I need a superior-beings-damned drink...

Blue Screen of Uncertainty

I admit... it's been a long while since I last edited my Mass Effect 2 review. Call it writer's block or lack of inspiration: both mean that it might not come out for a while.

Lately I've just been thinking. A lot. I tend to do that when something feels off. Something's been bugging me and I don't entirely know how to handle it. And my blog has been pumping half-assed content as a result. The last thing I need is a break, as my infrequent updates are pretty much that. On the other hand, it'd suck if my blog is like a comatose patient on life support.

Simply put, Fangirl's having a bit of a crisis.

"Houston, We Have a Problem."

Word has been spread about this lately and the more I learn about it, the more disturbed I get.

PROTECT IP Act Breaks The Internet from Fight for the Future on Vimeo.

If this bill passes, I might as well say goodbye to my days of watching anime that will never be released on this side of the globe. Farewell, entertainment that takes me hours to find and access.

I might sound very melodramatic, but I'm pretty PO'ed about this. Maybe the world won't end, but a lot of my favorite sites, with their music, images, and videos might get banned. It's a scary thought that I take so much for granted.

UPDATE: I just emailed my Congressmen to oppose the bill. The land of red, white, and blue is proud of her citizen. *jazz fingers*

A Ranting Change of Phase

We all go through them. Heck, it's been a while since I could write something worth my time. My friends have been bugging me to continue and show off a story I have been planning for months; yet, I still cannot get past my writer's block and research mode. Phases are a pain in the butt sometimes, especially when they are unproductive.

I am an individual who has some issues that stifle or halt progression of any kind. As a skeptic at heart, I tend to spend lots of time and energy looking things up, examining technical and theoretical ideas, and analyzing potentially interesting topics. Even when I think about what I want to do when I work, I always lean towards more individual and passive activities that don't require much "doing". In other words, I can see myself being a tour guide in a museum and sharing knowledge with the curious than developing new advanced technology for Apple or NASA. Seeking knowledge and being intelligent are both great goals, but they can be awful for creativity.

Imagination is not what I lack: it's will. I can ramble on with my dad and my friends about what I really want to do, but my laziness and passivity prevent me from allowing my wishes to become reality. I am an artist in the mind, not the body. This is a phase I have been stuck in for as long as I can remember. Without this blog, I'd sit on my ass and play video games constantly. Maybe I would have no will to write at all without this form of expression. So I thank Corrie and Tenebris for your blogs to inspire me to make my own.

What other phases commonly stick like glue onto Fangirl? For anyone who has read this blog for a long time, you might see obvious signs of changing phases. At one point I was talking about Marilyn Manson, another was Buffy the Vampire Slayer, then HIM, then anime, and right now it's video games. However, these might be "brief phases", but they typically are like cancer cells. They are active for a while, but once they are "eaten away" they enter a state of remission, only to reappear sometime later. Call me an unloyal fan or a reminiscing collector, I have carried my love of Harry Potter since 2001 and my like of the Sonic games since 2003. In a way it's better to love something a lot, but put it aside so you don't destroy the lasting effects it has on you. Really, you judge my status as a fan of anything.

Lately, though, I have been wanting to try out some new things I was too scared to do before. Granted, it will take time with all the college planning my parents are forcing me to stay on top of and my periods of complete laziness, but if I push myself enough, I might adopt them into my lifestyle someday. My current ideas for this year include the following:

- learning a new language. I gave up on Spanish because it's too easy and boring for my tastes. Since I made a new friend last year from China, I am thinking of trying out Chinese. It ain't Japanese, something I'm more familiar with, but I'm willing to try it out. Finnish will HAVE to be a personal hobby. After what that one woman said when I was in DC... I'll show her I'm willing to attempt it.

- trying out some DYI. I'm started out small: currently I'm making a poster and playing around with metallic jewelry. The poster is almost done, since it's pretty easy. The jewelry is just a small step into eventually making more things myself. I already made a bag once, and I want to do more. More skills to develop. *whoot!*

- testing out new styles of clothing. Generally speaking, my friends and parents often complimented me in the outfits I put together, which always cheers me up. Now since I'm practically an adult with little parental push towards a certain way of dress, I'm deciding to go back to wearing darker clothes like I wanted to do back in middle school. Lately I have done lots of research through various blogs and - man, I might as well say it.

Since late June, I am becoming more serious in trying out a Goth look. Really, I don't know if I'm saying it right since it's almost awkward for me. Though a lot of research, I know this process will take forever, but I want to try it out. I have looked at various blogs, I have done lots of research. But I need to break the phase of me sitting on my ass and playing around every day. It's something I need to be more comfortable with, even if people will give me even more weird looks than ever before. Thankfully, my parents don't have any issue with my current state of mind, and I love them for it. My friends... oh, that's another story.

In a way this rant is just my way of venting out some of the frustration I've been having lately with my current scatterbrained attitude. I can't let this blog sit around and collect dust, even if I have only ten readers for the rest of my life. Rants From a Fangirl might not be consistent in topics and style, but eventually I will have a better sense of identity and confidence. Maybe that's why I haven't updated much lately. Or maybe I'm just in one of those crappy phases, you know?

Well, it's past midnight where I am, and I really need some sleep. Looks like I need to read my school books tomorrow, or else I'll be cramming at the last minute. Wait, speaking of books for school... I smell a rant that I still need to write about...!

Taking down the demon known as the Phase of Laziness will still be a tough one for me...

The Art of Making First Impressions...

...in entertainment. Or in real life, it depends. This is a less formal rant so a more polished one will be for another day... once Fangirl finishes up unpacking boxes in the new house. (At least the internet now works - sorry for the short inactivity!)

No matter what the situation and place, we all can relate to the importance of first impressions. How else can someone hire you? How else can you have a tiny idea of which people you want to hang out with? How else can you be willing enough to pay for a CD - no, excuse me, DOWNLOAD an album - without hearing a note? How else can you be prepared for what you might get yourself into? You get the idea, yeah?

Typically some people emphasize that judging someone or something without understanding some of it is wrong. However, first impressions are conclusions made from quick judgements made on the surface. So all the extra moral people in the world are being "evil" and are not aware! Sort of. Not only that but if you judge something after exposing yourself to "a little bit," someone will scream at your face until you are figuratively beaten to the ground, stabbed in the gut, punched in the face, and left on the edge of a cliff. ...Maybe that was too graphic. REMEMBER: it was figuratively speaking.

To get to the point, I often hate making firm positions on something without at least attempting to do some background research or look over the views of others on the subject. Sure, I can be an opinionated witch 99.9% of the time, but I try to not look or sound completely unintelligent and lazy. With that in mind, I sometimes think my reviews are far too subjective (and I know they are), even to the point that I don't CRITICIZE. As much as I love shows like Higurashi and House, books like Harry Potter and Mars, and other stuff, it really doesn't look good if a fangirl does nothing but squeal and jump up and down about something that might be considered garbage in reality. The same goes for things I don't like (Twilight. PERIOD.)

So what is the point of this post? I don't know exactly. A confessed worry? A rant? Both?
Yeah, it might be both.

You could say that I just ran into a show that bored me so freaking much that I had to stop at only 11 out of 25 minutes. I barely made it to the halfway mark of the first episode and I gave up. That, ladies and gents, is a first. I gave Godsmack one full song and half of a second before I declared them as a band I hate. I gave Slipknot one song and a few minutes of research before I disliked them. I liked the Twilight series for over a year before I dropped it. I gave freaking Disney stars a few weeks of the "I don't care" treatment until I despised the company all together. Even Justin Beiber. Months of mild annoyance before I exploded with rage as fast as people kissed his feet.

Yep. I don't think I disliked something so quickly in a long time... The guilty party is...

Ergo Proxy.

Maybe I'm still emotional from my shear disappointment of the first 11 minutes of the show, but man, what a waste of time it was. My first impression was somewhat neutral: animation looked good, soundtrack was supposedly decent, and everything else is a mixed bag. In such a short time, I was blown away at how dull, uninspiring, and slow the show begins. There is no hook, no pull whatsoever. Despite it being a post-apocalyptic world, everything in Ergo Proxy felt so dull that even real life is more fascinating.

Again, these are my first impressions and I know I can't make a review of it because of the lack of information I have. But as a first-time viewer, I am positive that I will NOT review this snoozefest for a long time, even if you gave me the lifetime opportunity to send me to Finland for a week. This "psychological" and "philosophical" show needs to get off of its snooty butt and write an interesting story.

It's times like these when I have to be careful of impressions. Sometimes they can be right, sometimes they can be semi-true, and other times they are downright wrong. But after reading and watching many reviews, I have not found much relevant persuasions to make me to change my mind. If it's because of movies, music, shows, or even people you meet every day, you might relate to the frustrations of making first impressions and judgements.

Staying Natural Is Tough

Time to bounce off of my anime cloud nine for a moment and get something off my chest. Yes, people, this is RANTS from a Fangirl, not REVIEWS.

I do my best to not reveal too much about my personal information, but with this particular topic, a few hints of what I look like will probably be noticed. On the other hand, I feel sensitive to this issue and I want to write about it down for the internet to read. Just like before, MelinaPendulum made a good video that as inspired me to type this. Honestly, watch it.

Beauty.

As "liberal" I am in thought an ideology, I am traditional in some stances. For starters I find most modern beauty to be absolutely frivolous. I find barely find a handful of reasons why I would need to spend hours "slaving" over making myself presentable. Makeup has always been seen as pointless, perfume/cologne as nauseating, perfect dresses as wasteful, and gorgeous hairstyles as a firework, which took hours to make and seconds to blow up. HOWEVER!!!! I have no issues with my friends using these products to make themselves feel good; I just feel personally uninterested.

And it's my lack of interest that caused my friends to try and fail to encourage me to be more openminded to such... feminine rituals.

Unlike my friends and most of the kids at my school, I am racially mixed: my dad is black - and part Native American - and my mom is Caucasian. But due to the fact that most official papers still refuse to accept the "mixed race" option, I consider myself black. Although I am a mini cocktail with some features from light-skinned and dark-skinned people. The most apparent ones are my skin, a "milk chocolate" result as I like to call it, and my hair, dark brown but tightly curled and frizzy (but it's nothing compared to what my dad could have if he wasn't nearly-bald.) Some people have often told me that I am very pretty for both of these features. Of course I say thank you, but tell me how many people are always happy as they look.

My biggest concern of being mixed is not exactly how to look good, it's mostly how people view me. I'm a bit of an oddball in more ways than being a part of the American minority: although I am dark skinned, my one friend said I am "the whitest black chick" she has ever met. If you talk to me, I would sound "white" - or "professional" as dad says it. Maybe it just means that I don't sound like a stereotypical black girl from the ghetto or whatever you people call it. No street slang from this chick. :P

But the thing I am accepting more and more each day is the fact that there are some things I don't want to change. Some of my blunt honesty shows itself in how I care for my hair and face: I use soap to wash it and I care for it quickly and efficiently. I don't want to straighten my hair every day. I don't want to spend hours just to please the world. I don't want people to tell me what I should and should not do to look how I want to look. It took my friends many months to realize that no matter what, I won't invest in making myself look pretty.

Why am I so cynical on this?

Whenever I would put on makeup, I would feel no different than I did before I put it on. Whenever I would get my hair done, I would sit on my sore butt for three-to-four hours to wash, dry, and add relaxers. When I went out to buy a dress for Cotillion last year, it took all day to find a dress that was good... but didn't fit me right. Now I dread the day when I have to face PROM. *prepares suicide ritual*

I guess on a subconscious level, I have accepted myself as I am so I don't worry about how I look. During formal occasions I will make myself look nice - for socially appropriate reasons - but that's about it. I feel comfortable enough to walk into school with wild frizzy hair in a ponytail in 80 degree weather and completely humid. I only wear makeup less than five times a year, and I almost never have a need for formal clothes. Khol's has some decent clothes that are cheap, but I mix stuff up so I look alright. I don't need to go to great heights to make myself look and feel good. In my heart it feels as if I do that, I am only hiding what I truly look like instead of "accenting it" as my one fashionable friend puts it.

Because of this view of mine, I would not really fit into several categories. I could never be a goth or an emo, as cool as some of those clothes can be, and I couldn't get away with something beyond my reach. Practicality is what I strive for when I present myself. My natural skin is nice, so why should I get a tan or add foundation? My eyes are dark brown... okay... but are eye products mandatory? And my hair is wild, frizzy, and very tangly, is it wrong if I cut it super short so I no longer need a comb?

Someone once told me that if I do not dress myself in a presentable manner, I might lose a job opportunity to a white woman who looks almost flawless. Sure, the real world sucks in that way. Some women will get jobs because of their beauty rather than their experience or intelligence. Well, who cares? There is another job out there for me to look for and someone will hire me. Trial and error people, this process is wired in us, remember?

To get back on topic, I do not see makeup and many beauty "rituals" to be a universally terrible demon. It helps many women to feel better about themselves or to feel beautiful. There is nothing wrong with it; however, looks are not something I will invest in. Now while I'm still in the mood, I hope I can get to the hairdresser and chop off most of the mess I call unpractical "hair"...

Fangirl, the Doubting Bird

Usually my posts have some grammatical and spelling errors (I sure as hell am not perfect), but please pardon me if most of the errors are more apparent and common than usual. This is somthing I want to type out freely with little restraint. Even my choice in words could be bad too...

It has been a habit of mine for the past year or so to look up videos on Youtube for the simple pleasure of heariung opinionated people rant. But then I ran into some people who debated religion with each other CONSTANTLY. I because very curious, especially now that I feel more confident in myself to pay attention to various idealogies. It has now extended beyond religion; I can say i am curious about anything foreign to me. But that's a story for another day.

Many users I follow on a casual basis are atheists, whom I tend to agree more with.

To make something clear, if no one has picked it up from my long rants about school or my basic life: I consider myself an agnostic. Although I agree more with the reasoning and intellectual side of atheism, I cannot argue wether or not some supreme being exists or not. I personally feel that I - or anyone else - can ever truly know if there is another life after this, if one ideaology is perfectly true, or if there is some superior being(s). My religion book has pointed out that agnostics are "lazy" and unwilling to do any research or put a thought on the existance of God. But that biased piece of bullcrap book does not know me well enough to call me a lazy girl who hates to research. Sure, I might not do enough at times, but at least I attempt when I really want or have to.

It has been my fear that to form an opinion will allow me to slam every other door shut, never allowing oppertunity or a life lesson to be invited in. Even when I make comments on the internet, especially on Pandora, people send messages to me about how rude and intolerant I am. But what some reassure me is that I possess strong values and others feel intimidated by my confidence. Maybe that is the case, but I still wonder sometimes.

Being an agnostic at this time suits me just fine. I am a doubter and it takes me a long time to warm up to things. It took me four years to find two really good friends, whom I still treasure today. During my childhood, I would eat nothing but chicken fingers at restaurants: now my parents complain that I try too many different dishes that all cost quite a bit of the bill. Heck, it took me five months to have the guts to create a HIM station on Pandora!

I chose this path because I don't want to fall into dangerous waters. I want to hear both sides to a story and discover for myself what makes the most sense. If people hate me for it, I'll probably be saddened for a while, but my skin would toughen up over time.

But the last thing I want is to be so set in one idea that it shatters my core ideas beyond repair. I don't want to lose my sense of self and my sense of direction. One of my philosophies is to set standards at a reasonable level, not too high and not too low. If you put the pole too high, you can't reach it; put it too low and walking over it will waste no energy. Some have seen this as a pessimistic view, which I do lean more towards the downside of life at times, but I can define myself in two words: Pessimistic Realist.

And yet, I don't want to confine myself in that box permanently.

People throw the phrase "being open-minded" so much that I almost forgot what it means. Everyone I know has encouraged it when meeting new people and falling into different situations. But like anything in this world, there is a drawback. The other week, I talked to my best friend about my struggle to be such a person. Being the friend who has knocked sense into me time and time again, she said that I was actually a tolerant person rather than open-minded. She further said that her problem with such people is that "they are so flexible that they cannot form their own opinions."

You could say that hit me in the head faster than an oncoming train running me over in a dark, dank tunnel. But a moment like that is one reason I want to travel.

I want to be exposed to new ideas; I want to be challenged; I want life to be interesting. My school is not providing such goodies to my plate; they have given me nothing but cheap and stale leftovers. Obey this ideology because we say so, and please say your prayers to God or else you'll burn in hell. (Yes, some of my cynicism has been somewhat influenced by some of the atheists on Youtube. XD)

On one hand, I cannot wait until I head off to college, where maybe I can have more room to spread the youthful wings my old soul possesses. Maybe I will finally have the inspiration to stop sitting and complaining: to finally do something with the skills I have. I need a change in environment, a slight change in personal attitude, or both! Whatever it takes to be a better me, a better Doubting Fangirl. In the meantime, the commentaries and rants from atheists and theists on Youtube bring me some amusement from the caged frustration I have from Catholic school. At the same time, my parents and I have a church to go to where we feel welcome and at home. For a few hours on a computer and one day at a real community I find some room to stretch my wings.

So, if anyone tells you that doubt is unhealthy, that is not true. Doubt gives room for growth; however, relying on it forever is what is unhealthy. The same thing goes for blind faith too. Find the balance between both to attain enlightenment.

... I cannot believe I just said that. o_O

Skip If the Blunt Side Causes Severe Pain

It took long enough, and here it finally is: my rant on abortion. Tenebris had made a rant on it already, but it is time to add my few cents on my frustration.

Every year in April, the good ol' Catholic insitution I reluctantly call a "school" invites guest speakers, mostly from Generation Life, to talk about absenence. In reality they attempt to scare us into not having sex so the number of abortions in the universe magically drops. Fear = insubordination; and this is supposedly the twenty-first century. Some things never change I guess.

But off my small tangent.

A few days ago in the class that inspires so many rants (aka "Catholic" Morality), such a speaker appeared. He was a young guy with a good six years ahead of me at least, so he wasn't stubborn like an old man, reluctant to relate to the youth. So I give him credit for some of the energy he gave off in light-hearted jokes. But why waste time on describing the guy when I should blab about the issues I have with the whole chastity/abortion talk.

Abstinence/Chastity Talks Have Religious - Not Educational - Value

For one thing, actual conversations about sex do not exist in my ultra-traditional, rigidly conservative school; there is only preaching. Obey or bear dirty looks. Believe me, despite the uniforms we wear I get enough of that from my peers. But the largest problem I have with these talks is the fact that are not in any way EDUCATING US. Tell us WHY teenagers long for having sex. Tell us WHY it is so difficult to overcome feelings of lust (the whole "because we are human" excuse has never and will never cut it.) You must EDUCATE, not PREACH.

The extreme religious bias makes my stomach twist in knots far more times than when I watch Marilyn Manson's most explicit music videos. Again, all the reasons to wait for sex when you are married are for religious reasons:

- God intended it to be blessedly good (aka: "the Bible says so" or the "everything is full of sunshine and flowers" argument)
- Sex is a powerful gift of procreation and bonding (aka: the "secular society is screwing with your mind" argument)
- The hormone oxytocin permanently bonds you with your true love (aka: "the one to be with for eternity" argument)
- Those who do it outside of marriage share no commitment (aka: the "religion is right and society is wrong" argument... again)
- Sex is about family, not pleasure (fill in random argument here)

Here's a quick reaction I have to each argument (feel free to get mad at my lack of logic):

1. Sex is "good?" What defines "good?" Many might agree with you since the act brings great pleasure for every human who took part in this act. If it wasn't "good" in that sense, we'd have no human race. But if you mean morally good, it depends on the person. What about a woman who is tokophobic (fearful of childbirth?) What about someone who is taught a different philosophy about sex? Or better yet, what about you? You say sex is a wonderful thing, yet you are too embarrassed to talk about it or to allow sex education in schools. One of the many things you call sacred must be an avoided topic. Hmm... Maybe it's not THAT "good" to talk about then with the ignorant...

2. Yes, biologically speaking, sex is a reproductive act, which I cannot argue with. But then you list bonding as the second thing. BOTH are important. A family cannot be a family without bonds. Whenever Pro-lifers talk about this stuff, they jump right onto the thought of the next generation rather than the current one. "Screw the parents! Bring more babies!" might not be their intent, but sometimes it sounds like it. Regardless, I see where they are coming with this point, but it bothers me that sex is good if procreation AND bonding are the intentions. I feel bad for the couples who have bonded but want no children...

3. This argument is one of the reasons I am slowly developing a slight phobia of falling in love to begin with. Congratulations, Pro-life Movement, you are making me consider to live an old maid for the rest of my life and bear no children. But I digress.
Generation Life has this thing of scaring people with the oxytocin hormone and that it wears off over time due to too much sexual activity. They further tie this and the use of contraception in with the high divorce rate in the United States. But here's my problem: How do you know you will be with someone forever? My parents are currently going through a divorce now, it's painful, but breakups HAPPEN. Maybe the divorce rate is "increasing" because long ago it used to be FROWNED UPON societally and religiously?! I bet if divorce has always been acceptable, there would be more happily married people; many of the miserable ones would have long ended. But hey, maybe I'm wrong. Maybe it was those damn hippies in the 60s that started it all... (no joke. my presenter did toss them into this.)

4. In so many ways I call this argument a load of crap. Not every sexually active, unmarried couple does it for the fun. There are some who have been together for years, have sex, and share a commitment to love each other no matter what. Marriage is just publicly physical and religious proof that you belong to someone. Who knows: maybe a couple's "wedding" was a small promise made during a romantic event like - I dunno - sharing chocolates on Valentine's Day. In other words, the world is not black or white: there is always some grey in the middle of it all.

5. Again. Sex is about bonding, procreation, AND PLEASURE. If sex wasn't enjoyable... wait... I think I'm repeating myself now...

Yeah, Fangirl isn't in the mood to make a completely logical debate on this issue. Call me lazy. :/

Abortion *dances for joy*

To establish something here, I consider myself on the fence about this debate. I believe that if a woman gets pregnant very carelessly an wants out, she needs to take responcibility. But if the woman is in psychological pain and has exhausted every other therapeutic option - that's right LAST RESORT - I would say "it's your choice." In medical instances, again a last resort circumstance, I would nod my head to the practice. To be simple, I strongly believe in responcibility, but I recognize that there are some cases in which a woman might not be able to handle her pregnancy.

This might be a stupid way to see the issue, but I'll say it anyway. For as long as there have been smart people, there have been stupid people. For as long as there have been women who love pregnancy, there were women who hate it. If people are desperate, they will find a way; with tokophobic women (and those with similar mental/emotional issues) they would find a way to end the pregnancy, even if it meant killing them. Poison, overdoses, coat hangers, the list goes on. As disgusting as it is, I think it is better to keep abortion legal so that professional doctors will provide care for the women who will be stubborn enough to kill her child anyway. If you make it illegal, the Prohibition Effect might occur: "black alley" abortion clinics with unskilled doctors and unsuitable tools.

Well, don't worry, I still think carelessness is no excuse to go for abortion. Now THAT is cowardice.

OVERALL

This post is very subjective, and I will not be surprised if many of you are offended. In a way, this was bottled up inside for a long tim and I wanted to let it out. I am aware that someone will stumble upon this and try to use this against me in some way. But I will finish with this.

All I wish is for someone to not make me fear for my life. I don't want a religious reason for why something is a certain way. My parents raised me to be a responsible person; the ideas are based off of simple concepts many religions have in common (ex: be careful of how you treat others, respect others and yourself, appreciate life, seek happiness, and find a way to live this life in a fulfilling way). I cannot call my values "Christian" exclusively, which is why I get annoyed when Generation Life slaps the Christian "God" label to include some and exclude others.

Maybe the point of chastity is simply these few things:

- love responsibly

- think before you act

- do what you believe is best for yourself

- don't let anyone push you into something you are unready for

It is only a shame that these statements are too vague for some people. Furthermore, it is awful that sex is such a "huge" society problem that no one wants to talk about. I guess I'm lucky to have had parents talk to me openly about the topic; I learned more in those chats at the dinner table than a religiously bias group preach about the horrors of not practicing "good values."

Well, lets see where this nasty hurricane will hit next...

And More Impatient Fans Leave...

(Obviously, not mine.)

I know I was thinking this for at least two years, but I think it's 97% official: I AM THROUGH WITH EVANESCENCE.

The very band that made my music taste the way it is today has been going through hard times for the past few years. After they fired guitarist John LeCompt and drummer Rocky Gray departed back in 2007, Evanescence went through a very long hiatus. Although they replaced their drummer, the band deprived the fans with news on their situation. Only small little notes saying "we're working on new material" about once a year kept very little security; furthermore, the official website has now blocked out their news and tour information, showing information to those who signed up for the newsletter.

And then... these came along.

Kerrang! article: http://www.kerrang.com/blog/2011/02/evanescence_start_recording_ne.html

Will Hunt quote: "The Evanescence thing is still going to happen, it's just a matter of when. We're still in this writing process that hasn't really stopped."

HOWEVER!!!!!!!! According to this site, http://www.metalunderground.com/news/details.cfm?newsid=53310, Evanescence started recording BACK IN FEBRUARY 2010!!!!!!!!!

I'm no expert in the world of music, but the last time I checked, one writes music before recording it. How can one perform a play without know what his character is and what the story is about? How can one count when he hasn't learned the numbers? How can one write a thought without coming up with a thought?!

So, here are my few opinionated ideas as to what the hell could possibly be going on:

1. Evanescence has no direction.

The fact that they have been in the writing process for so long can be a sign of laziness or a lack of motivation. I am sure the band members have their own issues and dramas within their lives, but a musicians job is to perform and create music. For five years now, the books continue to sit on the shelf and gather dust. The band can easily be compared to a sick patient on life support: pull the plug, or let it live. The only problem is when to let it die or let nature take its course. But if a choice isn't made, it might be too late.

2. Evanescence is antisocial.

I sure gave Three Days Grace crap loads of grief for playing the "oh, we'll be recording soon" game for two years, but at least an album came to be by the end of 2009. At the same time, however, the band gave nice little updates a few times per year. Evanescence, however, refused to say even one small little "hello," to update their website, or to give a sign that things are okay. Communication is an important factor in all relationships. If a company refuses to keep the customers happy, the buyers will go someplace else. That is what happened to me back on Valentine's Day of 2009.

3. Evanescence is planning something huge.

And to this, I sincerely hope the band does not pull any ridiculous jokes on the loyal fans who waited for so long.

To add some cushioning to myself, I have been looking up the band for a long time, and, I have found very insufficient information about what is going on. Sending bread to a starving child once every few months doesn't help his condition very much, you know?

But whatever is going on, I agree with Ben, a commenter responding to the Kerrang! article:

"They have actually pissed me off because we have been kept in the dark about this. No evanescence.com update since last winter. No tweets or updates from Amy. Makes me pissed, and almost want to say fuck them. But I can't. I can't wait to hear the new album. Just hope it was worth it and that they start treating their fans better. If it happens again, I won't ever buy their shit again. (unless there is an IMMACULATE excuse for this type silence). Stop the bullshit Evanescence."

Well... I have other bands to invest in. It's a shame that only a handful of their songs are still listenable for me. But the bright side? They aren't We Are the Fallen. *shudders*

February Suckage: STRIKE ONE

Pardon my extreme French, but...

WHAT... THE... F#&%?!?????????!!!!!!!!!!@#$%^&^%$%&^&??????!!!!!!

February is already a bad enough month with nasty red hearts and Cupids flying everywhere, AS WELL AS Justina Beaver's pointless Never Say Never 3D barf fest, but THIS TOO???????!!!!!!!!! The thought of this is horrible enough... BUT I have to sit through the Super Bowl to see this blizzard-hurricane-cyclone-tsunami-tornado-supernova monstrosity of a commercial.

The last thing I needed was to watch any sport on TV for several hours and have the dumbest commercials in the universe to play. Now I have to suffer through this. TT-TT

Dear superior being who created the world (if you exist), wether you are God, a goddess, a bunch of gods/goddesses, or even if it's the devil himself.... PLEASE. When I see this commercial, I hope it is not as retarded as it sounds. A long-reigning heavy metal god AND a two-year tween pop shrimp IN ONE COMMERCIAL is like mixing lemonade, pure sodium, vodka, and cyanide cocktail of death.

Once again, my hope in humanity is continuing to diminish at an alarming rate...

If you don't like football (like myself,) don't plan to watch the Super Bowl, or live in another country and is lucky enough to have no live access to this.... I ENVY YOU ALL.

Now excuse me, I must go into my emo corner, harvest mushrooms, and keep myself from blowing up my copy of Scream and my respect for Ozzy...

The Rant That Will Truly Lose Blog Viewers...

Normally, accepting that everyone holds different ideas and values doesn't come as a struggle for me... in theory. As you might be aware by now (or it's quite obvious,) I am a stubborn human being with strong opinions. But for the most part, if I argue with someone, I will weasel myself out because I don't want to be offensive or make a fool of my own statements. That's why I prefer to write down my views so they are expressed as clearly as I can without someone interrupting me. But that technique would fail in a formal debate...

Once again I did that today. I brought something up with my friend; a kid next to me starting talking about it; and the conversation got pretty (more like really) red-hot. I forced myself to finally say "I don't know" just to drop the subject for good. At least from that, I realized I was right about one assumption all along.

As long as I'm different from the crowd, I will be alone but I have to coexist by causing as few problems possible.

NOTE: I do NOT hate anyone of any side of the political or religious spectrum. Both the left and right have their faults. This is a rant that has no intention whatsoever of causing offense to person; deciding to disown me as an online friend; OR starting any fiery debates. We get enough drama in American Politics.

It's incredibly tough going to a Catholic High School. No, a conservative Catholic High School. The environment is stifling, so far on the one extreme that anyone slightly away from it is looked down upon. There is almost an insincerity in how people express and present themselves. Plus, it doesn't help that the area I live in, one hour away from Philadelphia, is so rural that it has a small town essence. Everyone knows each other.

The fact that I never lived in one place longer than three years has probably fed my desire to travel and be on the move. As of August this year, I have been living in Pennsylvania for seven, long, restless years. It took me four or five to make the friends I have now. Ever since I've been here, I was the strange kid no one has ever seen before; the loner who is weird and has problems; the quiet one who hates people; the girl who must be a lesbian because no boy acknowledges her existence. I'm saying this to paint the scene; I don't expect any sympathy since I know that's how things were [and still are] and I accept that fact.

Despite my social issues that continue to persist, my biggest obstacle right now is religion. I was born and raised a Catholic, though my parents never seriously practiced. For a while, I didn't mind the fact I had religion classes in a Catholic school; it was mandatory and perfectly fine. But when the school had guests show explicit videos on anti-abortion, things started not to click with my thought process and what I was taught. My parents have always been supportive and didn't care what I believed, but my school expected that all who attended were Catholics.

But as I left my grade school and went to high school, the way religion was taught grew more and more strict and absolute. (Wouldn't it be the opposite since teenagers can think more independently than children?) My first high school wasn't too bad since my two religion teachers were cool. One of them actually encouraged reasoning and explained WHY things were a certain way (with sources other than the Bible and the Catechism of the Catholic Church.) But once the school closed and fused with another, this school year has been hell. My current class is quite similar to how Dolores Umbridge treated her Defense Against the Dark Arts classes in Harry Potter 5.

Now, back onto what happened today. In religion class, my teacher showed two videos that he flipped out about and sent the class in an uproar (NOTE: I was facepalming the whole time.) A news story said that a group of atheists spent about $20,000 on a billboard sign in New Jersey saying something around the lines of:

"Christmas is a myth. Celebrate the season with reason."

In anger, Christians put up a billboard saying:

"Christmas is real. Celebrate Jesus."

As much as I believe in freedom of speech and expression... was it necessary for Christians to react over ONE SIGN? I understand one would be angry, but really? Every meager dollar bill say "In God We Trust" and our pledge of allegiance has "...one nation over God," and do atheists go all out on controversy? The difference here is that those things are everywhere. But. This. Is. Just. One. Sign! THERE ARE WORSE THINGS! But did the atheists make a smart move? If the message didn't come out so harshly, then maybe, maybe not. I think they had the right to do it, and I give that minority group credit for standing up to the majority.

My teacher argued that the atheists wasted money on a pointless sign. But didn't the Christians do the exact same thing? Pay money to raise the volume of their own voices up?

As for the argument I avoided? The boy said how angry he was by it and that how atheists believe in nothing and have far less proof than Christians do. I weaseled out... because I consider myself an agnostic atheist.

I don't believe in Christianity anymore because nothing clicked with me anymore. The basic laws of how to treat others and the concept of a higher being didn't seem too different to any other religion. The environment of "everything is black or white" set me off. Life is not that easy. If life was black or white, the abortion, contraception, abstinence, gay/lesbian/bi/transgender, and priest pedophilia issues would have ended already. There would only be one true religion. Life would be boring if there was no "grey," no uncertainty, no doubts.

The bottom line is, I have found some truth in everything I hear. I have found no absolute right answer to the big questions.

It took me a few years to think things through, but I am now coming to terms that I am still in a questioning phase in my life. But for now, I don't believe any description of a higher being has convinced me that it is true. Whatever created us, I have no idea. Why we are as we are, I have no idea. And if I am never to know the answer, than so be it. I would rather live life as I have accepted to be right and die happy. If life is a roller coaster that ends unfinished above a deep, endless pit of nothingness, let me enjoy the ride while I still can.

If no other "non-believers" or atheists think like I do, then oh well. This is what I believe. And I wasn't going to say it to that boy, or else he's treat me as if I'm a stereotypical God-denier, despairing lone soul, or a delusional girl who will die an old maid. That was a war I wasn't going to fight. But on the last day of senior year, I might go onto the intercom system and announce that I'm a non-believer. That'd be a joy comparable as to saying "SO LONG, PAST LIFE! I AM FINALLY FREE!"

I will not be surprised if anyone was offended by what I have written. But know that if my friends read this, don't think that I deeply resent believers of any faith. I disagree with how religions function and what they believe (I'm surprised my friends haven't duck-taped my opinionated mouth shut yet...) but I don't hold grudges against people because they support it. Being intentionally unreasonable, forceful, and hateful on the other hand... are things I really hate. :)

So one would ask me: Fangirl, after this long bitch-rant, why continue to go to a Catholic High School?

I have three reasons:

1. Public school destroyed the happy kid I once was. I entered smiling and friendly and left depressed andreserved. If i do go to public school, I would have to go to one in an area that is deemed "backwards" and having "racial issues." This is my only option, a lesser of two evils.
2. If I leave high school now, senior year will be tough. I need to readapt to a group of kids that have known each other since... freshman year. Plus, academic awards would be extremely hard for me to even possibly obtain.
3. The biggest reason of all. My friends are there. The three friends who tolerate my odd, annoying self. The friends who listen to my problems, and I listen back. The friends who don't care that I don't follow the crowd. The friends who I finally can spend hours on the phone with. And the friends who tease me to pluck my eyebrows and get my drivers permit.

This rant is much longer than I anticipated... hopefully I don't get any hate messages... o_O

I conclude with this:

Believe what you want as long as you are happy. Know what is true to you and cherish it. And pick your battles. So head to a stranger's house and say, "So, what about them crazy politicians?" "Have you heard the latest religion/atheist controversy?"

And I hope you all have no injuries on the battlefield. :D

A Hug to My Personal Freddy Krueger

Over the past year or so, Pandora has played so much music for me that I am unable to healthily expand my taste. Thousands of pieces of wrapped chocolate with no names rain from the sky and I miss out on those that don't fall into my pint-sized bucket. There is so much music to check out, but there is not enough time. However, there are times like this when someone spends time discussing a band or musician he/she enjoys. As Halloween drew near, the Distressed Watcher on thatguywiththeglasses.com did just that while summoning a very familiar boogyman. In fact, thanks to my Pandora friends (Tenebris in Lux especially) and DW's video that boogyman doesn't frighten me so much anymore.

Who or what could I possibly be talking about? The musician that upset adults of the left and right, parents of children, fellow kids of mine as well as the generation before me. The one whose music was accussed of "corrupting" the minds of the boys behind the Colombine High School shooting. The one whose band was banned from performing in some states.

Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don't let the Antichrist Superstar get you.

Actually, this looks more hilarious than scary.

I'm not sure if anyone my age ever has seen Marilyn Manson's happy, cheery face that brought lovely, sweet dreams (what a bad pun -_-) to children and teenagers. I do not have any notable early memories of being scared of him (only time I know for sure was back in 2007), but I know I heard the name more than seen the image. All I was told that he was creepy. Bad news. Controversial. Even satanic. And like the good child I was, I feared Marilyn Manson because people were scared of him and expected me to feel the same. No reason, just irrational ignorance and fear.

As I grew older, I started to question and find my own answers to things that didn't make sense to me. Religious views and perspectives, political nonsense, and the nature of fans of etertainment as a whole. Inevitably, Marilyn Manson must have been destined to be my next target.

Why did people fear him? Why do some STILL fear him? How did I see him as an object of fear that adults painted for me? Why should I still be scared of him?

It's been taking over a year, but compared to me as a kid, I practically love this guy and his music. I finally burst out of my comfort zone and gave Marilyn Manson a chance. Lo and behold! I have such a greater appreciation of him as an artist. Don't get me wrong, I'm not into him like how I am with HIM (damn these puns!), but I'll be shocked if another year goes by and I still don't call myself a fan.

Minus the temporarily missing eyebrows, he doesn't look too creepy to me.

Does he still creep me out? Oh yeah, quite a bit. But I wholeheartedly no longer see a reason to FEAR him. Keep him from children? Because of his literature and cultural references, definitely (that's more research time for me.) Say that he poisons minds into killing others? That's pretty stupid. Saying he's the devil? That's worse. His image is as insane as his music, but Mans - oops, should I say - Brian Warner is a human being with an art you may like, hate, or not give a crap about. Feel free to disagree.

We all have childhood ghosts as well as Freddy Kruegers. The question is, when and are you ready to let them go? I am in this phase right now. But for the last question: HOW will you let go? Hug it? Kill it? Do something because ignoring ghosts is like leaving a bomb to detonate right on your lap.

Again, thanks to Tenebris and Schweinwerfer-sempai, my music buddies, and the Distressed Watcher's enjoyable video. Without them, I wouldn't have wasted over two hours of my life watching his music videos in one school night. Mom wasn't happy... XD