‘Star Wars: The Last Jedi’

I’ve had it. I'm done. I am so done.

This is the last straw. I’m at my limit. I can't take this anymore.

Fuck Disney.

Fuck Hollywood.

Fuck the trendy franchise addition.

Fuck the obsession with cinematic universes.

Fuck the corporate capitalist cult that strangles creativity in the name of profit.

Fuck Star Wars: The Last Jedi.

And fuck me for feeding money to this detestable beast.

... Feel free to keep count of how many times I curse in this post. It's one of those, people, so strap in tight. This rant-review hybrid is not for the faint of heart.

Spoilers, because I have succumbed to the power of the Dark Side, consequences be damned.

I’ve always hated the past decade of sequels, prequels, and franchise milking, but not to the extent that every single production and attempt is objectively bad. Some of the most technically competent, financially successful, and artistically challenging movies of my lifetime qualify as a single piece in a grand puzzle. Even films I hated that were franchise or “cinematic universe” additions have often had a dozen more fatal flaws worth shredding to pieces before I have time to think about it being part of that overrated Hollywood trend. And if I ever go too far in bashing this trend, the seven-year-old me who clings to Harry Potter like a security blanket taps my shoulder. (Even then, Harry Potter had a finite and completed story that got adapted into a long film series with a conclusive end, a detail sometimes overlooked in these kinds of debates.) On the other hand, I cannot ignore the damage done to the horror genre by mass producing lightning in a bottle without electricity or a thunderstorm (see Insidious and all of the rehashes of Nightmare on Elm Street, Halloween, and Alien).

Similarly, I used to be not the biggest fan of the Marvel Cinematic Universe. Emphasis on “used to”. Now my vocal chords are in persistent, unending pain from screaming at whatever superior being(s) exist(s) for nearly three years to make the damned zombie drop dead in a ditch where a dozen rabid dogs can devour and desecrate it beyond recognition. So you can imagine my reaction to the trailer for the third Avengers movie while waiting for Star Wars 8 to start.

Honestly, much of the joy I get from the DC Cinematic Universe comes from witnessing the most aggregious flaws of the holy tenants of the franchise-milking religion everyone has subscribed to but me to be displayed on the world stage like the public execution of a falsely accused prostitute in the town square. Watching those films get massacred by critics while still raking millions reveals an insane irrationality that I see everywhere in the American film industry, only now DC's Cinematic Universe can get lampooned because Warner Bros. don’t know what the hell they’re doing. (Which is valid and correct.)

At this point I just want more critical analyses of the franchise craze so that the film industry doesn’t crash due to having one business strategy seize a monopoly of the market. I can rant all day, but I lack the insight of how Hollywood opperates to be of any help. My esoteric and diverse taste in entertainment also makes fixing Hollywood a very low priority.

But having seen Star Wars: The Last Jedi, I cannot keep silent this time.

While I credit Disney’s The Hunchback of Notre Dame as being the most influential movie of my developing years, I also hold Star Wars dear to me. I cannot remember when and how dad introduced me to the original trilogy; that is how embedded in my life it is. I’m not devoted to the franchise, but it gave me many hours of bonding time with my dad. He and I played Star Wars Rebel Assault 2, and I remember using the joystick to navigate the Millenium Falcon precisely through various structures with mixed results. When I had my own consoles, I did not hesitate to play the Lego Star Wars games on my Playstation 2. Dad and I saw the prequel trilogy in theaters, and while those movies aren’t great, we still had fun. And when The Force Awakens came out, I asked him to share his thoughts first as he has a much different perspective as a fan since the beginning. I did the same here, because I value my dad’s insights... and because I would have spent seventy thousand years bitching otherwise.

Before I address the greatest reason why this film was a trainwreck -- yes, an actual trainwreck by the definition many English speakers prone to using metaphors recognize -- let me address the movie as a movie.

I give The Last Jedi credit for trying to expand the lore with displaying Force manipulation in situations and ways not shown on film as well as the exploration of the nature of the Force. Rather than conveying what it is and what it does in a religious/philosophical sense (original trilogy) or biological/medical sense (prequel trilogy), the Force is treated more as a metaphysical nature that binds everything together  in the universe like an interconnected web. Half of the plot focuses on this, and it's where the story is at its most focused.

Otherwise, The Last Jedi is a bipolar, inconsistent mess in which half of the plot does not advance in any meaningful way. I feel no sense of progression after 152 minutes of gun fights, lightsabers, chases, mind control, and space warfare that feels like 500 minutes long instead due to shit pacing. In terms of storytelling and narrative development The Last Jedi is the most pointless of any Star Wars movie.

Yes, pointless. I did not mistype that.

This is coming from the only human being who considers Revenge of the Sith the worst Star Wars movie ever made. Actually, I'm ready to change that opinion after I rewatch episode three in the coming days because my emotional heart, my instinctual gut, and my logical brain have voted to consider episode eight to take Revenge of the Sith's place.

Yes.

I am as serious as sudden cardiac death.

I will not take that back. However, I will update when I have finished episode three and have given my final verdict on my least favorite Star Wars movie of all time.

Yes, The Last Jedi is worse than The Phantom Menace. It's slow, dull, and boring, but Anakin, Padme, Obi Wan, Yoda, and Palpatine appear and plant the seeds of their character arcs. The pod racing was pointless, but it was done in one self-contained ten minute period of time.

Yes, The Last Jedi is worse than Attack of the Clones. Anakin and Padme's romance makes Nicholas Sparks want to jump off a cliff, but at least stuff happens: they fall in love and get married in secret, which leads to inevitable tragedy. The predecessors to the original trilogy clones appear, and Palpatine obtains the power he needs to begin his betrayal and subversion of the galactic republic.

Yes. I still think the prequels suck. I'm not denying that at all. I hate Revenge of the Sith because I was at my limit with the embarrassing dialogue, horrible acting from otherwise great actors, and every single meme that emerged from the stupidest moments. Even then, I do kinda see what each film was going for and why some think the third movie was the best in its execution. The prequels have great ideas and events that advance the lore of the Star Wars universe, but the writers don't know how to dialogue and George Lucas failed to bring out the pathos the all-star cast is fully capable of delivering in the hands of a competent director.

While Rian Johnson seems to be a decent director who takes advantage in displaying brilliant cinematography, I wonder if most of the worst parts of this movie come from shitty writers and executives wanting to shove as much marketable merchandise and potential sequel bait as possible. This movie wasn't doomed to fail, but the skeleton of the plot is plagued with osteoporosis, leaving it unable to hold itself together under any circumstances. If anything, much of the film needed to be gutted just to accommodate how much went wrong. The Last Jedi is so unfocused and irrelevant that it feels like a B-graded movie and a F-graded movie thrown into a blender.

Nearly every character I didn't like in The Forced Awakens did not get any better in The Last Jedi, and characters I did like barely had worthwhile material to work off of with one exception (I'll get to him later). I'm honestly glad Harrison Ford left when he did. I pity Mark Hamill who has not been particularly happy with how Luke is portrayed here, and I don't blame him for feeling that way. It was nice to see Carrie Fisher for the last time, but... well... I'll get to her later too.

Rey was decent enough, but I have grown to dislike her quite a bit. Her ridiculous affinity to the Force is baffling, but her headstrong stubbornness to the point of stupidity had me more sympathetic with Luke for much of the plot. Finn... what the hell happened to Finn? He was the most promising main character in The Force Awakens and he gets demoted to janitor duty at a local rundown theater. BB-8 is... I have no idea anymore besides a toy with an occasional funny moment. And besides the fact he's Oscar Isaac, what is the appeal of Poe? I have no idea how competent his actor is, but Poe's "charm" and "charisma" are that of Gaston from Beauty and the Beast without the pathological narcissism or narrative relevance. Sure, he and John Boyega show enough chemistry for me to believe Poe and Finn are best friends forever after only two encounters, but it's damning when the only reason I support Poe is because he has to put up with the insanity of the purple-haired bitch who becomes acting general while Leia is in a coma and intentionally allows 90% of the Resistance's forces to be massacred for no logically or tactically sound reason.

In fact, let me consolidate most of my nitpicks, complaints, and criticisms in the form of a laundry list of questions. I'll need some music to help me get through this.

What is the actual difference between the Dark Side and the Light Side? Why describe the Force as a neutral metaphysical phenomenon ala Buddhism/Hinduism when the writers impose Abrahamic/Christian duality without exploring the nature of good and evil and the implications of this confusing natural occurrence? If Rey truly is no one special, why does the narrative still insist she is important by showing her being perpetually tempted by the Dark Side? What the hell was with the endless mirror scene? Why does it take two scenes (the mirrors and Kylo Ren tempting Rey) to explain that her parents were nobodies? Why must Rey come to terms with the fact she's nobody special despite having a special affinity for the Force that Anakin Skywalker would be jealous of? What is her story arc anymore anyway? Why does she want the Jedi to return? Even if Luke wanting the Jedi Order to end is the wrong thing to do, why does Rey not consider his perspective enough to reconsider what it means to be a Jedi? Why must there be Jedi if there will still be Force-sensitive individuals in the galaxy? Why must a Jedi save the galaxy from doom and destruction? Also, why are Luke's reasons for wanting the Jedi to end be simply boiled down to "they created Vader and therefore must be purged forever"?

Also, why is Yoda here? Since when can Force spirits summon lightning to set trees on fire? Why did Yoda set the tree with the Jedi scrolls on fire? Why does Yoda dismiss those scrolls and texts as if toilet paper was more precious? Does he want the Jedi Order to end too? Why? What would motivate Yoda to want the Order to end, especially when he -- through some convincing -- agreed to train Luke in The Empire Strikes Back? Does he regret it? Does he know Rey stole the scrolls and is giving Luke some peace of mind by lying about them being gone? If so, why would he pretend the scrolls are gone forever? Does Yoda want Luke to live out the rest of his days in denial of the necessity of the Jedi rather than teach him a lesson and help him return to the path he strayed from? Was Yoda just an asshole all along?

Crap, I need more music.

Anywho.

Remember when I shat on Persona 4 and Persona 4 Golden
for their immeasurable amounts of pointless filler, irrelevant
plotpoints, backwards logic, and unskippable filler? Oh, I
was so naive back then...

Did this movie really need a setting rip-off of Kasumi's "Stolen Memory DLC" from Mass Effect 2 Canto Bight to be a cohesive, complete story? Why is it designed to fit in the world of The Hunger Games rather than Star Wars? Why did Finn and Rose park their ship on the beach? Why did the plot have to explain that parking on the beach was illegal? Why did illegal parking have to be the reason why Finn and Rose were thrown in jail? Couldn't they have been thrown in jail for freeing the racing animals instead of parking like assholes who never operated a vehicle in their lives? Why introduce the flower-pin guy if he's not going to be the hacker? Why did Lupita Nyong'o have to cameo for three seconds to inform Finn, Poe, and Rose about the flower-pin hacker? Couldn't they have obtained that information in a way that doesn't waste the time of professionals who probably could use that time for other more demanding and fulfilling projects? And what was the point of Benicio del Toro besides playing a slimy, sleazy criminal with inconsistent stuttering? Was his character and personality worth introducing to the world of Star Wars beyond introducing the idea of the war economy and not trying to incorporate it in the thematic and narrative exploration of the Resistance?

Also, while I did find Rose kinda cute because of her earnest energy, what is the point of her character besides Hollywood's desperate need to fill some kind of diversity quota while forgetting to make concrete and meaningful roles for minorities? Why wasn't she the hacker instead of either the pointless flower-pin gambler or the Puerto Rican Professor Quirrel? Why not make Rose a low-skilled worker who is a hacker on the side but never felt confident in using her skills to help the Resistance? Is she supposed to be a love interest? Why give a minority actress a singular role while still applauding the display of vapidly superficial diversity? Did John Boyega get the memo that Rose is in love with Finn or is he just a terrible actor when it comes to kissing scenes? Why introduce another girl who's into Finn if the writers give her no skills, no arc, no development, and no narrative focus beyond creating an unneeded love triangle? Does Star Wars: The Last Jedi need to set up Rey and Rose fighting over Finn when it could have bothered to set up a smooth, clear transition from triumphant Return of the Jedi Luke to this pessimistic Luke?

By the end of the movie, I wanted the First Order to win.

Speaking of wasted actors, what was the fucking point of Phasma? Why give a beloved Game of Thrones actress like Gwendoline Christie such an irrelevant role that does nothing for any character or any story arc in the new trilogy? Why hint that there is conflict between Phasma and Finn that could lead to character development for both parties if you plan to kill her off after only two seconds of a "fight" that kindergarteners would laugh at? Did you learn NOTHING from throwing her in a dumpster in The Force Awakens? Speaking of fights, why was the initial build-up to all the fights well framed but the actual fights were visually uninspired and limp? And why were all the fights lacking tension or were between characters with no depth, complexity, or backstory to make me care about them and their survival?

As for other wasted talent, why is Hux constantly treated like a whiny little bitch? Why is his character only defined as "hammy overacting brat" and "whimpering incompetent brat"? Why was there Z-grade MCU humor thrown in with Poe being a dick to Hux to stall for time before nuking the shit out of a First Order cruiser? What kind of relationship do Hux and Kylo Ren have? While I did get a chuckle out of Kylo Ren throwing Hux around like a ragdoll after Snoke's execution, what kind of character arc are the writers trying to convey for Hux (if he gets one at all, which I know is most likely never going to happen given there are too many cooks in a tiny kitchen)? And while I'm at it, will we ever get to know who or what Snoke is? Or is Rian Johnson having fun killing off all of the  speculation behind the good ideas and the bad ideas of the new trilogy?

*takes a deep breath*

... Oh for the love of oreos and milk, I haven't even gotten to the real meat of the Resistance's plot. It's sophomoric high school drivel, and I demand the writer who penned this to get their ass fired this instant for wasting my time.

No offense to Laura Dern, but fuck Admiral
Holdo. I honestly miss Jar Jar Binks.

Who the fuck is the purple-haired bitch? Why is her design more incompetent than a lazy fan fiction original character that stole a canon main protagonist role? Why does she [and Leia] refuse to explain what the Rebellion's escape plan was despite Poe's begging for transparency and the destruction of every single ship but one? Why is Poe painted as a bad person who needs to learn how to follow orders when said orders were incomprehensibly asinine? What part of the plan was so important that it had to be super top-secret and confidential? Why does she continue to be a stubborn rotten plum when Poe leads A FUCKING MUTANY JUST TO SAVE WHAT'S REST OF THE FLEET THAT NEARLY GOT OBLITERATED BECAUSE OF HER FUCKING STUPID PLAN?! 

*screams into a pillow*

*sips pomegranate tea*

Why does Madame Purple Nurple treat Poe like a horny teenage delinquent who groped her tits, which he isn't, rather than a soldier, which he is? Is this meant to be a radical feminist message that ends up becoming sexist to men (viewing them as incompetent, brainless walking penises) and women (viewing them as snarky, arrogant bipolar psychopaths) upon the most cursory of examinations lacking in fundamental critical thinking skills? Why then turn around by giving Mary "Magenta" Sue a heroic sacrifice when absolutely NOTHING she did in the entire fucking movie was even remotely competent, intelligent, sensible, or heroic? What was with that unsubtle "Girl Power!" conversation between Barney the Dinosaur's grandmother and General Leia? Were the writers, the director, and the studio intentionally trying to force a radical feminist message in the movie? (1) Why? Isn't it bad enough that we can't have such political conversations in the public spaces where feminism, sexism, etc. are actually relevant and solutions and plans can be devised to help real people suffering from bigotry and discrimination? Why throw the seeds for such debates in a fucking science fiction soap opera with magic swords in a galaxy far, far away from the cultural, sociological, and political context of our real world?

Also, why is the Resistance a resistance group? Aren't the First Order actually the resistance organization rebelling against the primary political power of the galaxy: the Resistance, led by General Leia? If that's not the case, why hasn't The Force Awakens or The Last Jedi addressed this instead of throwing in a dozen well known actors to fill in minor and pointless roles due to having a bloated plot and cast? In hindsight, why couldn't this trilogy establish the birth of the First Order, the start of this unnamed war, and the legacy of the Jedi with Luke's death?

Nope, I am still not done yet.

Hey, go check on your crazy boyfriend instead of worrying
about my sanity. (2)

Why wasn't Leia killed off for real? Actually, why didn't anyone try to restructure the plot to accommodate the unfortunate passing of Carrie Fisher last December? This movie will break the bank anyway, so why not delay it a bit to make the changes? Now how can the story continue when Harrison Ford and Mark Hamill are the only two of the original three actors alive but their characters are dead? Why leave in the fake-out death of Leia given millions of fans and critics still haven't fully processed and moved on past Carrie Fisher's death? Why couldn't Leia sacrifice herself to let the remains of the Resistance flee instead of Her Poisonous Majesty, Lady Aconitum?

Was the point of this movie to undo every single mystery J.J. Abrams set up in The Force Awakens? Why? I know Abrams' reach exceeds his grasp (i.e. Fringe and Star Trek: Into Darkness), but did every single one of his seedlings have to be torn out of the ground and thrown into a blender to feed to anorexic rabbits? Why then replace it with outdated Marvel-ized Buffy the Vampire Slayer comedy? Did such "millennial" humor have to exist in Star Wars, especially when such humor has not been done before so blatantly in any live action film incarnation? Why did BB-8 hijack one of the half-broken AT-ST walkers and killed half of the enemies in the room? And people call Rey a Mary Sue, what about the clownfish-colored metal bowling ball?

KILL IT. MAKE SURE ITS CORPSE IS BURIED
NEXT TO KYUBEY.

What the hell is a porg (besides Disney being the biggest corporate slut since the birth of capitalism)? Why are they here? Hell, why is Chewie in this movie when he does nothing and never gets to directly interact with Luke? Why is C3PO in this movie when he does nothing but complain about technicalities and protocols? Why is R2-D2 in this movie when all he does is squee and gush over seeing Luke again? (3) Why did we waste five seconds on watching Luke drink milk from some random island animal's teat? What was the third lesson Luke planned to teach Rey before the Dark Side swallowed her up for a brief moment? Why did Kylo Ren have to be shirtless for one scene?

Above all else, what was the fucking point of The Last Jedi? Is it meant to usher the end of an old era of Star Wars and the birth of a new one -- both within the context of the franchise as well as in the meta sense? Does it realize that in addressing that the new trilogy will be nothing like the originals or the prequels it has to keep reminding us of the originals and prequels? Why can't it just let go of the family drama of the Skywalkers, especially now that Carrie Fisher (may she rest) is dead and Mark Hamill is done with Star Wars? How much further is Disney going to stretch the elastic and play to old and new fans before destroying what's left of the remaining dignity and integrity of this franchise?

If the answer to any of these questions is to "read the supplementary novel/comic/web series/etc.", I don't give a shit. IF I NEED TO READ A FUCKING SUPPLEMENTARY BOOKLET TO UNDERSTAND THE STORY AND ITS CHARACTERS YOU HAVE CEASED TO BE AN ARTISTIC STORYTELLER AND HAVE BECOME A GREEDY DICK. I put Bioware on blast for doing this with Kai Leng in Mass Effect 3 and the Orleasian civil war in Dragon Age: Inquisition, and I will not spare Star Wars when it does it. The Last Jedi may not be as bad about this as Final Fantasy 13 (which Spoony describes brilliantly), but I will continue to address this criticism in all cases it applies to until we have reached the point that this practice requires restraint.

... I have at least thirty-score more complaints bottled up in my system, including not-Hoth having red dirt beneath the paper-thin salty white surface, but this has gone on long enough.

Time for a few positives.

Rey and Kylo Ren trying to influence each other to switch sides was unexpected and fascinating. While I'm not sure why Rey had to be in two love triangles (Finn/Rey vs Kylo/Rey and Rey/Finn vs Rose/Finn), but the tension and attraction between Rey and Kylo was the only plot line that made me enjoy what was happening on screen. The nature of the Force is explored further in their bond, and Snoke created that bond to fish Luke's location from Rey and strengthen Kylo's weakened resolve. In fact, much of the events happening with Luke and Rey were passible because they interwove with the Force bond and we learn more about how Kylo turned to the Dark Side.

Basically, Kylo Ren was the best thing about the movie. Nearly everything associated with him (save the sudden reveal of Leia's not-death and his brief shirtlessness) forged the most narratively compelling scenes in the entirety of The Last Jedi. Even Snoke's death -- while disappointing because we know nothing of him -- still works in aiding Kylo's character development. It gives a small moment of hope that maybe he might turn back to the Light as he and Rey fight off all of the First Order red shirts. Until he asks Rey to join him in rebuilding the First Order, leading them to snap Anakin Skywalker's lightsaber in half during their Force tug-of-war match to determine who's stronger. Even with Luke sacrificing himself to let the breadcrumbs of the Resistance flee the First Order and saying his goodbyes, as bizarre as it was, I still found enough potential in the end to see how episode nine explores Kylo's character as he finally goes down his own path rather than being another Darth Vader.

May the Force be with you always, Carrie.

It's just a damn shame I do not care about what happens to the Resistance, Poe, Finn, Rose, C3PO, R2, Chewie, and whoever else is alive. Rey is only exempt because she hasn't been the most involved in the Resistance and her secondary plot line with Kylo gives me enough hope that I'll still like her. Every single one of the other protagonists need to work quadruple time to make up for being glorified cameos at best and insufferable dumbasses at worst.

Which finally brings me back to what started this post. Disney, Hollywood, and the franchise fucking.

Thanks to Star Wars: The Last Jedi, I can no longer let myself continue to support the Lovecraftian monstrosity that is the franchise and cinematic universe baiting. Unless episode nine manages to tell a compelling and complete story, resolves much of the tonal and narrative inconsistencies, stops wasting talented actors' times with shallow characterizations, and minimizes the merchandise shilling... I will permanently detach myself from this franchise. I cannot support Star Wars when Disney has their slimy claws sinking deep in the franchise's jugular vein.

And with no exceptions, from this day forth, I will boycott as much of Disney's entertainment products as possible. Indefinitely.

It's easy to mock EA because their sins anger many and are religiously documented, especially with the recent gamer, media, and political backlash against microtransactions in Star Wars Battlefront 2. Hating Disney is as easy as assassinating the Pope of the Catholic Church and getting away with it. I may have grown up with Disney, but I will never swear fealty to one of the largest corporations in the world that consumes every media company it can grasp, adapts nearly every Western fairytale in existence, lobbies extensively to ensure their copyrights last until after entropy causes death of the universe, plants extravagant amusement parks on every corner of the solar system, indoctrinates children and adults with feel-good psychology and nostalgia, and works tirelessly to complete its ascension to godhood and overthrows the superior being(s) that currently hold(s) that seat of authority over all. Now that they have Star Wars in its grasp and plan to milk it until all creativity and art is gone like they are doing with Marvel, I cannot ignore their rampant arrogance and greed, especially when they possess so much control and cultural capital in the United States, if not the world. What's worse is that I feel alone in drawing any kind of line in the sand because I sense disaster coming. I don't know how or when it'll happen, but the bloated bubble will burst. The nail that sticks up will inevitably get hammered into the ground.


... I don't begrudge anyone who likes Disney, the superhero craze, or Star Wars: The Last Jedi. I cannot stop or prevent anyone from liking what they like. I don't hate any of you personally because I do not know you. But I hate Disney. Disney is a company, not a person, and it's much easier to focus on energy on one thing that cannot breathe or bleed. I'm a single person who cannot take down a company like that, but for my own sanity, I know I can do my part by avoiding their products as best I can and supporting laws that keep them in check.

Even if I am the only person in my age group that tries to resist, I'll accept that as I have done when I stood alone in my beliefs, preferences, and convictions.

... I no longer have any wind left in me. I'm angry, drained, and frustrated. Let me put up my rating so I can enjoy the last few hours of what was otherwise a decent year compared to 2016.

Rank:

1 out of 5

Now, back to editing my Persona 3 fanfic for AO3 and drafting a new fanfic project I just conceived three days ago before my blood pressure gets too high again.

~~~~~~~~Notes:~~~~~~~~

(1) - While I'm not as impassioned about the political undertones as some people online and in major entertainment magazines, I wanted to address this part of the film's reception, regardless. I actually miss the days when Rey being a Mary Sue was the biggest controversy. Simpler times I guess...

(2) - In lighter news, baffled Nezumi has recently been initiated into my reactions folder alongside Daichi's freak out and Fumi's resting dull face. I couldn't resist once I saw someone made a screenshot of that priceless expression.

(3) - I won't lie though... I actually cried when R2 and Luke reunite. As cynical and bitter as I can be, my heart still turns to mush over the sentimental.