Nov 2017 Update: Trying [and Failing] to Dodge Bullets

Hello, dear readers!

Real life remains a priority for me, even though some mild depression has dampened my motivation to get out of my rut of unemployment. I can't say how good things look at this point, but I still have enough energy to keep moving, even if the overly critical voice in my head loves to find new ways to subvert any progress I've made. The fact I'm aware of my current state of mind means I'm starting off on the right foot when I start to take action.

That said, I'm still uploading my Persona 3 fanfic, Through the Empty Spiral, on AO3 (30 chapters as of this post), and I'm trying to get my own original story off the ground. A few scenes have come to life, and a dozen characters are begging for their time to shine, so I have plenty of ideas to sculpt and polish. Once I have a more concrete design plan and an actual narrative timeline structured, I might rant about some of the problems I've run into and other concerns floating around my head as I break down this seemingly herculean project.

Between Rei and Yuuri Katsuki, I don't know who I love more.
And adorable, squee-inducing fanart doesn't help my poor heart.

Entertainment-wise, I've been watching season 2 of March Comes in Like a Lion and fighting every urge to adopt Rei Kiriyama as my son or little brother, and I admit I'm tempted to watch My Hero Academia due to my thirst for shonen anime kicking into overdrive after years of avoiding the genre. Long-running anime with substantial filler content are too great of a commitment and One Piece never did anything for me despite trying multiple times. Thus My Hero Academia, which seems to be running in concise, tight few-episode seasons, may be a safe investment at this point. Maybe a Japanese take on superheroes will provide a different kind of story I can get behind compared to the unavoidable decade-plus-and-still-running Marvel and DC typhoon. If all else fails, an anime reviewer I once followed in high school recommended Busou Renkin many years ago, and I'm enjoying it enough so far. And there is always JoJo's Bizarre Adventure if I'm that desperate. I have options.

My music listening habits has taken a strange turn this year. My Spotify playlists suddenly have 80s, 70s, and 60s hits that radio stations my parents listened to during my childhood, and a few recent pop hits slipped in too. The former is nostalgia hitting me in a sudden wave, and the latter is my best friend's bachelorette party playlist indoctrinating me for an entire weekend during the summer. Although by my own volition I have slowly become a small fan of Charli XCX (hence my Music Mood having "Black Roses" a while ago) after listening to some songs that appeared in The Sims 3 (which I can no longer play thanks to computer problems *sobs*), and I danced for joy when Marilyn Manson dropped his latest album a few weeks ago.

As for movies and video games? The last film I saw in theaters was It, which is both one of the better and more frustrating horror films as of late due to it squandering its diamond-quality potential with severe tonal inconsistencies and an abusive number of tactless and moment-killing jump scares. At least the Nostalgia Critic's review made me laugh harder than I ever had over his content in years. Beyond It and Saw 1, no films impacted me in a meaningful way this year.

The same can be said about video games, since I already discussed (in some detail) Mass Effect: Andromeda and Persona 5. However, I recently impulse-bought Yakuza Kiwami and called it crack on Twitter. The gameplay is addictive as hell, the characters bleed so much delicious ham and cheese, and I get to soak up more little (albeit fictional) things about Japanese culture and the yakuza, so call that game a net positive experience.

All of that said, seeking escapism and looking into myself for refuge against the insanity of the world only works for so long. That might be why I am feeling more melancholic and pessimistic than usual. Being thoughtful and introspective doesn't help when everyone in the world is screaming bloody murder over every little thing until nothing seems to matter anymore. We are in chaotic times, and I wish I knew how to navigate the colossal, seemingly planet-sized hurricane.

It's still too soon to render judgment on the state of things in 2017, but at least beloved celebrities weren't dying on a bimonthly basis like last year. (Oh, yes, I am still butthurt that David Bowie and Alan Rickman died within days of each other in January 2016. That was one of the worst weeks of my life.) Sure, the orange monkey still tweets like a tantrum-throwing toddler with immunity from being banned for some unfathomable reason, cock-measuring contests between the US and North Korea has me fear for Japan's and South Korea's safeties, and reputations are getting slaughtered over things as small as illogical accusations and blatant corruption, but at least getting stabbed with acupuncture needles every day still beats a shotgun to the balls every week! I'm bleeding, but I can still force myself to smile when I have to!

It's a miracle I still retain some sanity and have not succumbed to the "breaking news" bullshit the media farts every second by listening to political podcasts from different sects of the political spectrum back when it still mattered. I try my best to not become too political here despite this being my personal blog, but since I have had some people leave comments who did not agree with my thoughts at all, worrying constantly will do no one any good. You are your own worst critic, and I have said some scathing things about myself that other people haven't conceived of yet. It won't stop trolls and negative comments, but some self-awareness goes a long way.

So if any bridges are to be burned over what I say, so be it. Don't let me stop you. I'm not going to cry over the loss of the negative two hundred followers I actually have. Because I'm not going to throw a tantrum over every stupid thing the president and his administration says or does, and I'm not going to blindly follow a political side or cause solely on the basis of how moral an ideology or person supposedly is. A lot of people in the world are suffering and are in pain, every side has a slither of truth and a slither of falsehoods; the last thing I want is to develop a knee-jerk habit of devaluing a human being because they do not share ideas, educational background, or opinions with me. And yes, that means that I am not going to punch a Nazi unless in legitimate, legally defined self-defense because they tried to physically and deliberately cause injury to me (them simply existing does not count).

The state of the world at the moment... sadly.

Now that I got that out of the way and my readership fell to -10,000, I can be left to listen to so-bad-it's-fun music on Spotify and vent my frustrations with American politics into another potential novel that likely won't be published until I'm on my deathbed. Or watch teenagers with bizarre hair punch each other in crazy, nonsensical ways.

Bless the age of streaming, even with the obnoxious commercials. My soul feels slightly cleaner now that I can watch a good portion of anime on legitimate websites.

The Squees of Spring: An Update

Once I purchased Persona 5, I fell into a deep rabbit hole in which I think I'm climbing back out of. It's hard to say at this point since I'm still in the middle of being distracted. I haven't streamed or updated my blog due to my narrow focus as of late. At least I have uploaded nearly 20 chapters of my Persona 3 fanfic on a semi-regular weekly basis, though I had to pause briefly to make some additional changes to my drafts before continuing the upload.

I will keep working on my Mass Effect: Andromeda post, but with the three released patches and the news that Bioware's Montreal team is being downsized due to all the backlash and EA being EA, I still don't feel entirely confident rendering judgement on the game. My excitement has sobered considerably, particularly because Persona 5 is vastly superior in nearly every single way, and I have been unable to bring myself to complete my third run with my Vetra-mancing Ryder despite being 75% done the main story. That sentence might damn the game more than a long rant, but I have to be honest about where I'm sitting as of today.

Rather than focus on lukewarm topics, I'll share more positive news.

Farewell, HIM, My Lovable Music Nerds

Three days ago I caught wind of HIM calling it quits this year. They're holding one last tour across the globe to celebrate 26 years of music spanning eight albums, dozens of singles, and a bunch of bonus albums with remixes, live performances, and music videos. If I can make it to any of the shows in the US, that'd be great. If not... well... once is better than never, right?

To be honest, I'm not entirely shocked they're breaking up. It's been a few years since Tears on Tape's release, and I was concerned that it was playing a bit too much on the safe - if not stale - side. The lineup had not changed in over a decade until Gas left a few years ago. Without any major updates, I was waiting patiently, only to learn from one of my internet friends from Finland about this recent development.

I... I think I'm ok with this. I will never claim they're the best band to ever live. Not by a long shot.  I'm an unapologetic fangirl for this band, and Ville Valo raised my standards for men above and beyond the realm of reality, but I'm not stupid.

HIM were a goofy, strange band with an eclectic, diverse, and dynamic style that works wonderfully for some and fails disastrously for others. Scared moral guardians took His Infernal Majesty from their early days way too seriously (hell, even my own parents did at first, funnily enough), and a legion of fans came around thanks to Bam Margera's fanboy-ism going to insane levels in the early to mid 2000s. And, yes, some of the more intense fragments of the goth fans did sometimes get melodramatic about the band to the point that serious music critics could barely take HIM seriously. And most of all, some of Ville's lyrics are cringe-inducing in how corny, lame, intense, and sappy they can be; Razorblade Romance, even with its vibrant, migraine-splitting pink cover, is audio candy so sweet that you'll get diabetes and need a limb or two amputated before the halfway mark.

Despite all of that, they're my favorite band. They're my goofy, pseudo-goth band with their melodramatic brand of "love metal".

I literally fell in love with their music on Valentine's Day in my freshman year of high school. I pre-ordered two of their albums, both of which arrived at the very moments I needed them most: leaving school early due to illness, only for snow to cancel school the next day, and returning home from college to find items to help me complete my final assignment in an art course. They were the first concert I ever went to, and I was fuming when Ville came out on stage with his curly hair completely chopped off; I saved my babysitting money for tickets, and I bought my fingerless gloves, a sweatshirt, and a shirt that I still hold onto. They made me feel like a normal high school girl when I feared I felt too different, having pictures of Ville Valo cover the inside door of my locker, crushing hard on the tall, dark-haired baritone, and listening to all of their albums inside and out until I nearly memorized the lyrics to every single song. I was so happy to love a band that sounded as great live as they did in the studio, something that seems so rare for some reason. And I cannot stress how much I admire Ville Valo for being a singer and multi-instrumentalist as well as a songwriter in rock and metal, another unfortunate rarity these days.

HIM helped me endure period cramps that would leave me bedridden for two days. They inspired me to expand my taste in music further by listening to their influencers, including Type O Negative and Black Sabbath. They helped fuel some of my passion for writing, and they helped me focus on my long, overdone Persona 3 fanfic. They had fun with their art, making me laugh over interviews and live performance recordings throughout the years. They burned a big hole in my wallet that I proud of. They shined a little light on a country many people overlook due to them being so far north in the cold, and I wanted to learn more about Finland's language, culture, and art almost as much as anime made me fascinated in Japan. They taught me to not take my interests and opinions too seriously when others disagreed with me. They let me cry and be vulnerable when my parents divorced, when I left home for college, when I moved out of my mom's house, when I panicked about grades, when I searched for a job, and when I struggled with my confused feelings about love.

March 26, 2010, the day I lived a full life.

HIM helped me grow up. HIM made me a stronger person. HIM is a warm blanket that I have outgrown and has holes in it from overuse, but they always brought me joy when I needed them. I laughed and cried over a group of men I will never meet because their talents and abilities as artists created something beautiful and unique that can never be replaced.

And now... they're gone.

More than them breaking up and moving on to other projects, I lament how short those seven years of my being a fan were. There is no new album to look forward to anymore. It feels strange, eerie, like a sudden death of a friend. I'll miss HIM. I'll miss them so much. I will continue to treasure their music, and one day, I will have a heartagram tattoo in my skin. Every music fan has a group or song that means the world to them. HIM meant still means the world to me.

Ville, Linde, Mige, Burton, and Gas, godspeed, you adorable music nerds. Good luck to everything you boys do in joy and sorrow. Thank you.

*sniff* ... I managed this much without crying, and I'm failing. Shit, their music makes me wanna cry all the time now.
Damn it, I need to laugh.

I am so glad I saved all of these images on my computer over the years. XD

Haha, I love you, boys.

*cries*

'Artifact' and the Art of Screwing Artists

As much as I love video games and music, I tend to go through periods of preferring one over the other for a year or two. My high school years mostly had me listening to all kinds of bands Pandora and my online friends recommended. After finding a nearly a hundred, only ten or so are bands I still frequently listen to as I play video games during my days at college. One of them is Thirty Seconds to Mars.

They're not one of my all-time favorites, but I've enjoyed enough of their work to have the majority - if not the entirety - of their discography (along with Lacuna Coil, Bentley Jones, Breaking Benjamin, and HIM). I generally like Thirty Seconds to Mars' take on alternative rock with lots of melodies, a touch of harsh vocals, and occasional periods of building atmosphere to set a song's unique tone. Most of their songs tend to stand out to me because the band occasionally changes up the "format" of a song. They tend to follow the standard verse-chorus-verse-chorus pattern, but sometimes they throw in an instrumental break near the middle of a song that typically happens in the progressive rock genre. Throw in lyrics with tons of references to literature, religion, and mythology, some pretentious and philosophical music videos, and a tiny bit of self-awareness and that's Thirty Seconds to Mars. If more "ambitious" people who sing, act, direct, and be a celebrity who don't make huge holier-than-thou asses of themselves and their work like Jared Leto, I might be less of a skeptical person.

Or maybe Jared is an elitist asshole who hates his fans. Haven't seen or heard of any meltdowns yet on Twitter, so I'm staying optimistic.