It might take some time for me to work on fresh content because finally, FINALLY, I am gainfully employed!
I started just over a week ago and the hours are kinda long; however, the first real step into adulthood has happened for me. Not too shabby for a May 2016 graduate to get the first job over a year and a half later with benefits in one of the more expensive cities in the United States. Having my own place to live alone is still a long way to go, but the fact I'm making gains towards it is a plus.
Hell, I'm more psyched that planning a vacation in Japan is much closer to reality than ever before. I need to actually use what I've been learning incrementally.
So, yeah, 2018 has started off pretty well for me. How's the rest of the world?
Real life remains a priority for me, even though some mild depression has dampened my motivation to get out of my rut of unemployment. I can't say how good things look at this point, but I still have enough energy to keep moving, even if the overly critical voice in my head loves to find new ways to subvert any progress I've made. The fact I'm aware of my current state of mind means I'm starting off on the right foot when I start to take action.
That said, I'm still uploading my Persona 3 fanfic, Through the Empty Spiral, on AO3 (30 chapters as of this post), and I'm trying to get my own original story off the ground. A few scenes have come to life, and a dozen characters are begging for their time to shine, so I have plenty of ideas to sculpt and polish. Once I have a more concrete design plan and an actual narrative timeline structured, I might rant about some of the problems I've run into and other concerns floating around my head as I break down this seemingly herculean project.
Entertainment-wise, I've been watching season 2 of March Comes in Like a Lion and fighting every urge to adopt Rei Kiriyama as my son or little brother, and I admit I'm tempted to watch My Hero Academia due to my thirst for shonen anime kicking into overdrive after years of avoiding the genre. Long-running anime with substantial filler content are too great of a commitment and One Piece never did anything for me despite trying multiple times. Thus My Hero Academia, which seems to be running in concise, tight few-episode seasons, may be a safe investment at this point. Maybe a Japanese take on superheroes will provide a different kind of story I can get behind compared to the unavoidable decade-plus-and-still-running Marvel and DC typhoon. If all else fails, an anime reviewer I once followed in high school recommended Busou Renkin many years ago, and I'm enjoying it enough so far. And there is always JoJo's Bizarre Adventure if I'm that desperate. I have options.
My music listening habits has taken a strange turn this year. My Spotify playlists suddenly have 80s, 70s, and 60s hits that radio stations my parents listened to during my childhood, and a few recent pop hits slipped in too. The former is nostalgia hitting me in a sudden wave, and the latter is my best friend's bachelorette party playlist indoctrinating me for an entire weekend during the summer. Although by my own volition I have slowly become a small fan of Charli XCX (hence my Music Mood having "Black Roses" a while ago) after listening to some songs that appeared in The Sims 3 (which I can no longer play thanks to computer problems *sobs*), and I danced for joy when Marilyn Manson dropped his latest album a few weeks ago.
As for movies and video games? The last film I saw in theaters was It, which is both one of the better and more frustrating horror films as of late due to it squandering its diamond-quality potential with severe tonal inconsistencies and an abusive number of tactless and moment-killing jump scares. At least the Nostalgia Critic's review made me laugh harder than I ever had over his content in years. Beyond It and Saw 1, no films impacted me in a meaningful way this year.
The same can be said about video games, since I already discussed (in some detail) Mass Effect: Andromeda and Persona 5. However, I recently impulse-bought Yakuza Kiwami and called it crack on Twitter. The gameplay is addictive as hell, the characters bleed so much delicious ham and cheese, and I get to soak up more little (albeit fictional) things about Japanese culture and the yakuza, so call that game a net positive experience.
All of that said, seeking escapism and looking into myself for refuge against the insanity of the world only works for so long. That might be why I am feeling more melancholic and pessimistic than usual. Being thoughtful and introspective doesn't help when everyone in the world is screaming bloody murder over every little thing until nothing seems to matter anymore. We are in chaotic times, and I wish I knew how to navigate the colossal, seemingly planet-sized hurricane.
It's still too soon to render judgment on the state of things in 2017, but at least beloved celebrities weren't dying on a bimonthly basis like last year. (Oh, yes, I am still butthurt that David Bowie and Alan Rickman died within days of each other in January 2016. That was one of the worst weeks of my life.) Sure, the orange monkey still tweets like a tantrum-throwing toddler with immunity from being banned for some unfathomable reason, cock-measuring contests between the US and North Korea has me fear for Japan's and South Korea's safeties, and reputations are getting slaughtered over things as small as illogical accusations and blatant corruption, but at least getting stabbed with acupuncture needles every day still beats a shotgun to the balls every week! I'm bleeding, but I can still force myself to smile when I have to!
It's a miracle I still retain some sanity and have not succumbed to the "breaking news" bullshit the media farts every second by listening to political podcasts from different sects of the political spectrum back when it still mattered. I try my best to not become too political here despite this being my personal blog, but since I have had some people leave comments who did not agree with my thoughts at all, worrying constantly will do no one any good. You are your own worst critic, and I have said some scathing things about myself that other people haven't conceived of yet. It won't stop trolls and negative comments, but some self-awareness goes a long way.
So if any bridges are to be burned over what I say, so be it. Don't let me stop you. I'm not going to cry over the loss of the negative two hundred followers I actually have. Because I'm not going to throw a tantrum over every stupid thing the president and his administration says or does, and I'm not going to blindly follow a political side or cause solely on the basis of how moral an ideology or person supposedly is. A lot of people in the world are suffering and are in pain, every side has a slither of truth and a slither of falsehoods; the last thing I want is to develop a knee-jerk habit of devaluing a human being because they do not share ideas, educational background, or opinions with me. And yes, that means that I am not going to punch a Nazi unless in legitimate, legally defined self-defense because they tried to physically and deliberately cause injury to me (them simply existing does not count).
The state of the world at the moment... sadly.
Now that I got that out of the way and my readership fell to -10,000, I can be left to listen to so-bad-it's-fun music on Spotify and vent my frustrations with American politics into another potential novel that likely won't be published until I'm on my deathbed. Or watch teenagers with bizarre hair punch each other in crazy, nonsensical ways.
Bless the age of streaming, even with the obnoxious commercials. My soul feels slightly cleaner now that I can watch a good portion of anime on legitimate websites.
Enough of the eagerness and euphoria has left my bloodstream that I can look at Mass Effect: Andromeda a little more objectively. If I were to write a review today, I would align myself with those who gave the game a 7/10. By my rating system, that'd be about 3.5/5. Regardless of whether people think it's a good score or not, I cannot condone the gaming industry's skewed and bullshit re-interpretation of ratings for games, and I condemn the bombardment of low ratings from players who hate the superficial faults and call the entire game a dumpster fire based on said shallow nitpicks. Also, a budget of $40 million isn't that much money in the realm of AAA games, especially when this industry is getting so massive that Hollywood will soon be sweating bullets. Mass Effect: Andromeda's problems vastly eclipse quantitative numbers regarding finances and "five years".
THAT SAID. I may still say I love this game in many ways, but when I wake up and smell the coffee this game is a disappointment. Mass Effect: Andromeda took the franchise one step forward and two steps back for a variety of reasons more harmful than "bad animations". And above all, I fear the way Bioware will address these problems, much like every single major developer in the AAA market has done for almost a decade. Now that the Bioware Montreal team which worked on Andromeda is being downsized, my fears are coming true.
Without a doubt, this series deserves better that what we got, but I want to pick at the miniscule specs of gold that is worth preserving and improving upon.
Over the past few years, I've been struggling with finding a way to express myself that I am comfortable with and not feel bored in the process. This blog has helped me a lot in high school, but I know I've been neglecting it due to my personal insecurities and the changes in my personal life. It doesn't help that college was just a busy time for me in general. The timing couldn't be more perfect: last year, when my activity here was at an all-time low, I had the most visitors.
There went a window of opportunity and growth that I missed.
Anywho. Since I graduated from college almost a year ago, and the possibilities are endless, I'm now trying to change how I approach my hobbies to see if I can do anything with them besides hiding in a corner and wailing. I started by posting my fanfic, Through the Empty Spiral, over a month ago on a semi-weekly basis. I can't be a better writer unless it's out there to get praise or ridicule. There are still a few posts I have not yet published, and I want to work on them so fewer untouched items sit at the bottom of the basket.
Yep. I dabbled in streaming. By myself. While sober.
Me. Doing anything based in video. Me, who had two panic attacks in my public speaking course in my freshman year and somehow still got a B. The me who stutters and rambles if I don't have a script handy. The me who has no following whatsoever and pretends that at least one person likes what I say on this vast, open, wild and free country known as the internet.
Past me would hate current me for my nerve.
Well, time and events do change people. The me from 2010 would not recognize the me of 2017. Honestly, not changing would have made me an insufferable person, and I still have enough energy in me to make changes and improvements when necessary and practical. If writing alone isn't enough to get me excited or to motivate me to learn, well, I do the very thing that I once claimed I would never, ever attempt.
In my personal experience, being late to hop onto the bandwagon is better than never. There are still a lot of kinks to iron out with streaming (some of which can't be avoided due to my less than perfect internet connection and the PS4 not being a PC powerhouse), but I thought, "Why the fuck not? Try it out and see if you like it. If it works out, that's awesome; if not, at least you tested your limits." As of this post, I have two sessions saved on my Twitch archive, and once they vanish thanks to the 14-day limit they will sit on the Youtube account I have thanks to Google. I doubt anything will come out of this, but I'm willing to try a medium outside of my comfort zone. Writing comes much more naturally to me than speaking or making videos, so this unmarked territory will bring all sorts of challenges I never had the chance to know about or attempt to overcome.
I am uncertain how things will play out this year, especially when my current job will end this July and finding a new one will be me fighting the same anxiety demon as I did last summer. If this helps keep me sane and I learn a few things about myself along the way, then I'll feel like I accomplished something.
In the meantime Mass Effect Andromeda comes out nine days from now, and my bank account hates me for it. I will likely be off the map for a while, gushing and squeeing over the return to the world of Mass Effect in a new, refreshing way, but when in doubt, I will likely say something on Twitter.
Maybe if I'm ballsy enough, I might stream a bit of Andromeda... as soon as I make changes to the resolution and fix the audio. And pray my internet doesn't crap out on me. Baby steps, me, baby steps...
Hello, people. It's me. I know I've been inactive for 75% of the year, but I'm still alive. I needed a long break, and now I'm feeling better, despite this year being... this year.
2016 was such a crappy year. I want to comfort the me from January who cried for days after Alan Rickman's death and try not to admit that the year would only get worse. Because, holy shit, 2016 got so much worse after January. Everyone and their mother has listed dozens of reasons why 2016 sucked ass, so I won't go on a long rant here today. It's Christmas and I'm feeling mellow at the moment. Not being bombarded by Christmas songs this year helped a ton.
Rather than dwell too much on the orange monkey that will lead my country and all the authoritarian politicians who want to drag us back to the Cold War era with bashing communism and Russia, I want to focus on some of the positives of this year in a quick post.
First, I have a job. Not a fantastic-paying job, but it's a job. I don't wake up dreading going there every morning despite cursing my hatred of mornings. I haven't had much time to write because I channeled most of my energy into looking for work and finding a place to live after I graduated in May. I said goodbye to suburban Pennsylvania and moved to the city. Things have settled for the most part, and I've adapted to my work environment well.
Second, I took a Japanese class to keep my brain preoccupied. More than anything I miss learning new things and having discussions about deep subjects, so the class was a good 10-week investment. Thankfully I am doing well enough that I can still indulge in my hobbies.
Third, I must confess... I got a Playstation 4.
I cannot look at the controller and not remember Yahtzee's "rectangular clitoris" comment. XD
I only have the Game of the Year Edition of Dragon Age Inquisition, which has made me beyond thrilled to finally play that epilogue. If nothing else, Dragon Age has helped me get through this awful year. I met more internet friends to chat with, I got back into writing, and I sank way too many hours in a game series that has fried my nerves more than Mass Effect has done. Nothing has made me as emotional upset since the ending of Mass Effect 3, until I learned how much I wanted to fry eggs.
Anywho.
At this point in my life, I don't think I'm going to post here as often as I used to. This was always a personal blog for me and my hobbies, and as much as I wondered if I wanted to do more with this, I'm glad this has remained small. Hopefully next year will start off less awful, and maybe I'll be a bit more active.
If not, I'm on Twitter.
Meanwhile, my next big goal is to save up enough money so I can have a gaming PC. Since I have a Twitch account ready for that, I'll keep my mind open to streaming. Nothing too major.
"But what about that stupid Persona 3 fanfic you made a big deal about for, like, three years, Fangirl? Are you done with it yet?"
It'll be open to mass ridicule, insults, and humiliation very soon, actually, thanks for asking.
And Merry Christmas to you too.
In case I don't post anything again in the next few days...
My next final exam is in six hours and I can't get a wink because I had too much soda and caffeine. Oh well. I should be ok so long as I make it to the classroom on time.
Anywho, I know this year has been sorely lacking in content, and I cannot apologize enough for it. Being a senior in college has put me on edge, especially when I can't tell anyone what the hell I'm doing anymore. When I'm not going mad from plans, rejected internship applications, and disappointed parents, I've been consuming media... in small pieces. In fact a rant should be coming up soon.
A pity my consoles have been packed away so that pushed back some of my plans, but I'll keep working on drafts and see what I can pump out when I'm in the mood. (Long-time readers know which review I've been neglecting.) I'll try harder, as writing is one of the few things I know I can do well and advertise to a potential employer... if they somehow find this blog and not go crazy from my insanity.
So yeah, this is a short update I wanted to pump out. Something new will come, I can promise you that for sure. I've been typing away all night in-between reluctant bursts of studying for the last few days and had a six hour long trip in my deep searching for some book I had the crazy idea of buying out of the blue.
...
Hey, hold on.
...Wait a damned minute is that...?
O_______o
WHELP, NOW THAT'S NOT REALLY DAMN DISTRACTING AT ALL.
Good night. I'm done. My brain and the caffeinated soda have played one too many stupid pranks on me for today.
...
Although sometimes I hate how oblivious and slow my brain can be. Stupid tall dark-haired men and their deep voices and sexy accents confusing and flustering my asexual ovaries... >.<
Several posts have been staring at me for the past few months (i.e. Mass Effect 3 review), but I can't seem to get them anywhere. Instead, I'll be productive by talking about a few things that have been eating at my brain for a long time.
This semester has me focusing extensively on Japan: two history courses, a few mentions in other social science classes, and my attempting to teach myself 日本語 in my free time. So far I'm doing fine and I'm enjoying what I'm learning, and if it weren't for 汉语, I'd be more lost on Kanji than if I started from scratch. That said, having learned jack and shit about Asia as a continent of diverse cultures and countries has set me back tremendously. I'm still ridiculously ignorant about the Asian political scene, thanks in part to my being American and having been drowned in European ideologies and thought. Making any kind of comparison or acknowledging similarities between an Asian country and a Western country sometimes feels like it'll come across as childish at best and offensive at worst. Add the fact the United States downplays any kind of relationships and issues we have had with Japan at any point and time and I feel like I'm staring at a mountain too steep and dangerous to climb.
"But, Fangirl," you'd ask, "what's the big deal? Clearly you're putting more effort into this than some Americans, so why complain?" Well, setting aside the existential angst I'm continuing to suffer thanks to inconsistent and fragmented data on job prospects for college kids in the US, I overthink everything.
Life has a wonderful way of throwing a billion priorities at you, and you're left confused in the middle of a deep valley surrounded by mountains. Yes, due to fulfilling college group requirements, attending a few daunting classes, planning for summer, analyzing my research, and prepping for possible conferences, I ignored Rants From a Fangirl for a few months. Honestly, I've been feeling more tired than usual. Before Spring Break, I was so mentally fatigued that I often slept in for twelve hours on weekends and took naps in the middle of the week, only to wake up more unhappy and frustrated with myself.
I have been feeling better lately though. Several internship opportunities I signed up for have all turned me down, but I've taken the rejection a lot easier than I had earlier this semester. I'm still at a point in my MegaTen research that I can't openly say how things are going, but I'm still working on it for school. (Just the other day, in fact, I stayed up until 2am working on it.) If I can't get anything else right, I hope my project works out well enough for my undergraduate record to look promising.
I know that this blog is supposed to not focus on my personal life, so I'll now talk about all the nerdy shit I've been up to when I should have been writing for my blog!
Papers, papers, papers, binders, papers, papers, all-nighters, papers, presentations, journals, binders, powerpoints, carpal tunnel in both wrists, dead iPod every other day, papers, essays and more papers and papers. I hardly slipped online to edit posts because of all the last-minute semester scrambling, stressing, and hair-pulling. Analyzing my research data is time-consuming; it's not easy going through over 700 responses, especially the ones who stuck around for my survey and filled in the open-ended questions. I'll be needing a ton of caffeine-loaded soda to get all my stuff done. But the light from my laptop is starting to strain my eyes, and sitting is making my bum sore.
In other news, I'll be relaxing for Thanksgiving and play some Persona 4 Ultimax. I'm convinced Persona Q won't arrive until next week, much to my profound chagrin. Apparently my preorder will fall on my doorstep this week, so I'll cry if that doesn't happen. When I'm sick of MegaTen-related stuff (which might not happen b/c Ultimax and hopefullyQ), I might play around with Mass Effect 3 to take some more last-second notes I may have forgotten about. Any other game I play will be a luxury.
Once winter break happens, I'll try to pump out a few posts to wrap up the year. I haven't done a music-related post in a while...
Eh... why the hell not? I haven't had the chance to talk about them anyway. Might have to pick up This Is War too for more context...
Anywho, everyone have a good week. Enjoy whatever you do to relax and be happy for a few days. If you don't celebrate Thanksgiving, I still wish you a healthy sanity. We all need it to function, y'know.
And may the people of Ferguson have peace. They need all the positive energy they can get so these tragedies are finally taken seriously and stopped for good.
Seriously, this is getting beyond obscene and lands dead in the territory of inexcusable. Whether you have a badge or not, whether you're an adult or kid, stop shooting everyone, America. You're making our whole country, even the sensible and responsible gun owners and collectors, look like incompetent trigger-happy vigilantes belonging perfectly in the twisted, despicable worlds of The Walking Dead or The Last of Us. PLEASE STOP SOLVING CONFUSING CONFRONTATIONS WITH PUTTING A BULLET IN SOMEONE. There is ALWAYS a third option. ALWAYS.
Maybe a cat will help, even if he/she isn't my own.
This is probably the most stressful semester I have ever had. Welcome to the adult world, Fangirl. It's only going to get busier and more hectic and more insane. Such is the beauty of life.
Anywho, hello and hiya, readers! If I somehow do not have carpal tunnel or a hunched back by the time I'm 30, it'll be a miracle. It'd be oddly amusing to finally relate to the hero of my favorite Disney movie ever, but I prefer not getting assaulted by a sea of flying tomatoes. Not until I get it on Blu-ray and set it next to my copies of The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, The Hobbit, season 6 of House, Sucker Punch, and Daybreakers. One must be picky when investing in Blu-ray, y'know. That stuff is still pretty expensive for a college student. Plus, I gotta make my Playstation 3 live as long as my baby Gamecube.
Seriously though, I'm alright. Doing what I can, from digressive rants to snarky comments, to maintain sanity and stress so my brain doesn't implode. Midterms, paperwork, scheduling, meetings, fundraising, mentoring, and studying. And occasionally tweeting.
But to be in the spirit of the month, I guess I should mention that I watched people playing P.T. the other day. I'm still not getting a PS4 for a LONG time. But that Silent Hills playable trailer was really damn creepy, disturbing, and messed up (i.e. "I said look behind you!").
