Fangirl, the Doubting Bird

Usually my posts have some grammatical and spelling errors (I sure as hell am not perfect), but please pardon me if most of the errors are more apparent and common than usual. This is somthing I want to type out freely with little restraint. Even my choice in words could be bad too...

It has been a habit of mine for the past year or so to look up videos on Youtube for the simple pleasure of heariung opinionated people rant. But then I ran into some people who debated religion with each other CONSTANTLY. I because very curious, especially now that I feel more confident in myself to pay attention to various idealogies. It has now extended beyond religion; I can say i am curious about anything foreign to me. But that's a story for another day.

Many users I follow on a casual basis are atheists, whom I tend to agree more with.

To make something clear, if no one has picked it up from my long rants about school or my basic life: I consider myself an agnostic. Although I agree more with the reasoning and intellectual side of atheism, I cannot argue wether or not some supreme being exists or not. I personally feel that I - or anyone else - can ever truly know if there is another life after this, if one ideaology is perfectly true, or if there is some superior being(s). My religion book has pointed out that agnostics are "lazy" and unwilling to do any research or put a thought on the existance of God. But that biased piece of bullcrap book does not know me well enough to call me a lazy girl who hates to research. Sure, I might not do enough at times, but at least I attempt when I really want or have to.

It has been my fear that to form an opinion will allow me to slam every other door shut, never allowing oppertunity or a life lesson to be invited in. Even when I make comments on the internet, especially on Pandora, people send messages to me about how rude and intolerant I am. But what some reassure me is that I possess strong values and others feel intimidated by my confidence. Maybe that is the case, but I still wonder sometimes.

Being an agnostic at this time suits me just fine. I am a doubter and it takes me a long time to warm up to things. It took me four years to find two really good friends, whom I still treasure today. During my childhood, I would eat nothing but chicken fingers at restaurants: now my parents complain that I try too many different dishes that all cost quite a bit of the bill. Heck, it took me five months to have the guts to create a HIM station on Pandora!

I chose this path because I don't want to fall into dangerous waters. I want to hear both sides to a story and discover for myself what makes the most sense. If people hate me for it, I'll probably be saddened for a while, but my skin would toughen up over time.

But the last thing I want is to be so set in one idea that it shatters my core ideas beyond repair. I don't want to lose my sense of self and my sense of direction. One of my philosophies is to set standards at a reasonable level, not too high and not too low. If you put the pole too high, you can't reach it; put it too low and walking over it will waste no energy. Some have seen this as a pessimistic view, which I do lean more towards the downside of life at times, but I can define myself in two words: Pessimistic Realist.

And yet, I don't want to confine myself in that box permanently.

People throw the phrase "being open-minded" so much that I almost forgot what it means. Everyone I know has encouraged it when meeting new people and falling into different situations. But like anything in this world, there is a drawback. The other week, I talked to my best friend about my struggle to be such a person. Being the friend who has knocked sense into me time and time again, she said that I was actually a tolerant person rather than open-minded. She further said that her problem with such people is that "they are so flexible that they cannot form their own opinions."

You could say that hit me in the head faster than an oncoming train running me over in a dark, dank tunnel. But a moment like that is one reason I want to travel.

I want to be exposed to new ideas; I want to be challenged; I want life to be interesting. My school is not providing such goodies to my plate; they have given me nothing but cheap and stale leftovers. Obey this ideology because we say so, and please say your prayers to God or else you'll burn in hell. (Yes, some of my cynicism has been somewhat influenced by some of the atheists on Youtube. XD)

On one hand, I cannot wait until I head off to college, where maybe I can have more room to spread the youthful wings my old soul possesses. Maybe I will finally have the inspiration to stop sitting and complaining: to finally do something with the skills I have. I need a change in environment, a slight change in personal attitude, or both! Whatever it takes to be a better me, a better Doubting Fangirl. In the meantime, the commentaries and rants from atheists and theists on Youtube bring me some amusement from the caged frustration I have from Catholic school. At the same time, my parents and I have a church to go to where we feel welcome and at home. For a few hours on a computer and one day at a real community I find some room to stretch my wings.

So, if anyone tells you that doubt is unhealthy, that is not true. Doubt gives room for growth; however, relying on it forever is what is unhealthy. The same thing goes for blind faith too. Find the balance between both to attain enlightenment.

... I cannot believe I just said that. o_O