16 August 2011

A Ranting Change of Phase

We all go through them. Heck, it's been a while since I could write something worth my time. My friends have been bugging me to continue and show off a story I have been planning for months; yet, I still cannot get past my writer's block and research mode. Phases are a pain in the butt sometimes, especially when they are unproductive.

I am an individual who has some issues that stifle or halt progression of any kind. As a skeptic at heart, I tend to spend lots of time and energy looking things up, examining technical and theoretical ideas, and analyzing potentially interesting topics. Even when I think about what I want to do when I work, I always lean towards more individual and passive activities that don't require much "doing". In other words, I can see myself being a tour guide in a museum and sharing knowledge with the curious than developing new advanced technology for Apple or NASA. Seeking knowledge and being intelligent are both great goals, but they can be awful for creativity.

Imagination is not what I lack: it's will. I can ramble on with my dad and my friends about what I really want to do, but my laziness and passivity prevent me from allowing my wishes to become reality. I am an artist in the mind, not the body. This is a phase I have been stuck in for as long as I can remember. Without this blog, I'd sit on my ass and play video games constantly. Maybe I would have no will to write at all without this form of expression. So I thank Corrie and Tenebris for your blogs to inspire me to make my own.

What other phases commonly stick like glue onto Fangirl? For anyone who has read this blog for a long time, you might see obvious signs of changing phases. At one point I was talking about Marilyn Manson, another was Buffy the Vampire Slayer, then HIM, then anime, and right now it's video games. However, these might be "brief phases", but they typically are like cancer cells. They are active for a while, but once they are "eaten away" they enter a state of remission, only to reappear sometime later. Call me an unloyal fan or a reminiscing collector, I have carried my love of Harry Potter since 2001 and my like of the Sonic games since 2003. In a way it's better to love something a lot, but put it aside so you don't destroy the lasting effects it has on you. Really, you judge my status as a fan of anything.

Lately, though, I have been wanting to try out some new things I was too scared to do before. Granted, it will take time with all the college planning my parents are forcing me to stay on top of and my periods of complete laziness, but if I push myself enough, I might adopt them into my lifestyle someday. My current ideas for this year include the following:

- learning a new language. I gave up on Spanish because it's too easy and boring for my tastes. Since I made a new friend last year from China, I am thinking of trying out Chinese. It ain't Japanese, something I'm more familiar with, but I'm willing to try it out. Finnish will HAVE to be a personal hobby. After what that one woman said when I was in DC... I'll show her I'm willing to attempt it.

- trying out some DYI. I'm started out small: currently I'm making a poster and playing around with metallic jewelry. The poster is almost done, since it's pretty easy. The jewelry is just a small step into eventually making more things myself. I already made a bag once, and I want to do more. More skills to develop. *whoot!*

- testing out new styles of clothing. Generally speaking, my friends and parents often complimented me in the outfits I put together, which always cheers me up. Now since I'm practically an adult with little parental push towards a certain way of dress, I'm deciding to go back to wearing darker clothes like I wanted to do back in middle school. Lately I have done lots of research through various blogs and - man, I might as well say it.

Since late June, I am becoming more serious in trying out a Goth look. Really, I don't know if I'm saying it right since it's almost awkward for me. Though a lot of research, I know this process will take forever, but I want to try it out. I have looked at various blogs, I have done lots of research. But I need to break the phase of me sitting on my ass and playing around every day. It's something I need to be more comfortable with, even if people will give me even more weird looks than ever before. Thankfully, my parents don't have any issue with my current state of mind, and I love them for it. My friends... oh, that's another story.

In a way this rant is just my way of venting out some of the frustration I've been having lately with my current scatterbrained attitude. I can't let this blog sit around and collect dust, even if I have only ten readers for the rest of my life. Rants From a Fangirl might not be consistent in topics and style, but eventually I will have a better sense of identity and confidence. Maybe that's why I haven't updated much lately. Or maybe I'm just in one of those crappy phases, you know?

Well, it's past midnight where I am, and I really need some sleep. Looks like I need to read my school books tomorrow, or else I'll be cramming at the last minute. Wait, speaking of books for school... I smell a rant that I still need to write about...!

Taking down the demon known as the Phase of Laziness will still be a tough one for me...

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