Over the past few years, I've been struggling with finding a way to express myself that I am comfortable with and not feel bored in the process. This blog has helped me a lot in high school, but I know I've been neglecting it due to my personal insecurities and the changes in my personal life. It doesn't help that college was just a busy time for me in general. The timing couldn't be more perfect: last year, when my activity here was at an all-time low, I had the most visitors.
There went a window of opportunity and growth that I missed.
Anywho. Since I graduated from college almost a year ago, and the possibilities are endless, I'm now trying to change how I approach my hobbies to see if I can do anything with them besides hiding in a corner and wailing. I started by posting my fanfic, Through the Empty Spiral, over a month ago on a semi-weekly basis. I can't be a better writer unless it's out there to get praise or ridicule. There are still a few posts I have not yet published, and I want to work on them so fewer untouched items sit at the bottom of the basket.
Yep. I dabbled in streaming. By myself. While sober.
Me. Doing anything based in video. Me, who had two panic attacks in my public speaking course in my freshman year and somehow still got a B. The me who stutters and rambles if I don't have a script handy. The me who has no following whatsoever and pretends that at least one person likes what I say on this vast, open, wild and free country known as the internet.
Past me would hate current me for my nerve.
Well, time and events do change people. The me from 2010 would not recognize the me of 2017. Honestly, not changing would have made me an insufferable person, and I still have enough energy in me to make changes and improvements when necessary and practical. If writing alone isn't enough to get me excited or to motivate me to learn, well, I do the very thing that I once claimed I would never, ever attempt.
(But there were those handful of times I did appear in a friend's streams, but I don't count them much.)
In my personal experience, being late to hop onto the bandwagon is better than never. There are still a lot of kinks to iron out with streaming (some of which can't be avoided due to my less than perfect internet connection and the PS4 not being a PC powerhouse), but I thought, "Why the fuck not? Try it out and see if you like it. If it works out, that's awesome; if not, at least you tested your limits." As of this post, I have two sessions saved on my Twitch archive, and once they vanish thanks to the 14-day limit they will sit on the Youtube account I have thanks to Google. I doubt anything will come out of this, but I'm willing to try a medium outside of my comfort zone. Writing comes much more naturally to me than speaking or making videos, so this unmarked territory will bring all sorts of challenges I never had the chance to know about or attempt to overcome.
I am uncertain how things will play out this year, especially when my current job will end this July and finding a new one will be me fighting the same anxiety demon as I did last summer. If this helps keep me sane and I learn a few things about myself along the way, then I'll feel like I accomplished something.
In the meantime Mass Effect Andromeda comes out nine days from now, and my bank account hates me for it. I will likely be off the map for a while, gushing and squeeing over the return to the world of Mass Effect in a new, refreshing way, but when in doubt, I will likely say something on Twitter.
Maybe if I'm ballsy enough, I might stream a bit of Andromeda... as soon as I make changes to the resolution and fix the audio. And pray my internet doesn't crap out on me. Baby steps, me, baby steps...
... March 21, come quicker, damn it!
2 comments:
You know, one of these days I'm going to muster up the courage to figure out what the hell is the deal with those Minion things. I've been seeing them all over the place, and I'm not 100% sure I understand why. Because pop culture, I guess? I don't know. Chalk it up as one of life's great mysteries.
In any case, it's cool to hear that you're dabbling in the streaming game. It seems like a pretty powerful platform, albeit a nerve-wracking one. It strikes me as something along the lines of improv comedy, so those that can think fast on their feet have a better shot. Well, in theory at least. I'd imagine there's a decent-sized chunk of streamers out there who get by via screaming into their mics and overreacting over the slightest mishap. Maybe that's part of the appeal...?
Also, good luck with Mass Effect: Andromeda. I'm swamped with games right now -- Tales of Berseria keeps going and going, and Zelda's coiled around me like a boa constrictor -- so I can't even THINK about starting ME. But since it's more of your game (ha), I hope you don't mind me vicariously enjoying it through you. Stream or otherwise. Also, I hope that the game is actually good. There's been some, uh, unflattering footage for/articles about it, so we'll see how the final product pans out. The gaming world needs more space adventures, because -- as you know -- SPACE IS AWESOME.
Also, also? Seeing White Light in your sidebar fills me with glee. That opening is indeed too good.
I have seen all of the Despicable Me movies, so I am using the minions knowing fully well what they are. They're dumb, but I love them. I need something stupid to latch onto that's perfectly harmless... for the most part. *remembers stupid butt jokes*
Yes, streaming is quite nerve-wrecking. I'm not an improv kind of person and it's been played to the point of extreme over-saturation, so it's a legitimate challenge for me. I'm trying to go for an observant and informative approach to it instead of the loud, obnoxious stuff. Sadly, the market for thoughtful analysis is getting crowded and full too, and I am thankfully only doing this on the side to experiment. Superior being(s) know I could use more satisfying work when I'm not at work.
Hopefully I'll be active in sharing my thoughts of Andromeda on my blog, on Twitter, via stream, or a bit of all three. Meanwhile, I'll enjoy the new Zelda vicariously through you as I do not have a WiiU or a Switch. After what happened to Jim Sterling, I'm really hoping you'll bring some balance to the force. I hate that we're in an era where people get attacked for not "falling in line". That's the quickest way to kill creativity and growth.
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