The 'Twilight' Series

Being Vampire Month, you all saw this coming...

(CREDIT: why would I make such a series?!?!)

Rank: 0.01 out of 5 <- no words can describe my despair...

The very thing I fear in life is any kind of extremist. And I hate to turn into such a person if I say that this series is a piece of crap that should have never been blown up in epic proportions and that must be avoided by all who are vampire enthusiasts.

To be honest, every living person in this universe has already stated why this series is of awful quality as a "saga" or any piece of literature. In a way it is pointless to regurgitate the same excuses over and over again as to why this whole concept fills my heart with blood clots and my head with aches. But I will say that this series embarrasses me to death about liking vampires. It's so bad that even I fear that all the human-vampire romances I like are all just as shallow and stupid as Bella and Edward's! I even cry about it when watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer...

But it wasn't like this at first. I used to really like Twilight, or at least the first book. Sure, there are loads of bad things about it (Bella's Mary Sue Syndrome, Edward's perfection, the "vampires'" traits, the weak attempt of adding bad guys at the end, etc.) but the amount of awfulness isn't terribly overwhelming. There was something small in that book that kept telling me to read it, or maybe it's my subconscious reminding me that maybe I can find a guy whom I can love so much. Being a teenage girl with such thoughts is such a fun experience; no wonder we go through losing weight, looking pretty, and dressing nice just to find the perfect guy. "Bella gets a guy with no problem?! WHAT ABOUT ME??"

Regardless, the first book was readable... and had one great comment Bella made that my friends and I cite all the time: "Stupid, shiny Volvo owner."

Though I really liked the series back then, I remember almost nothing about New Moon and Eclipse. The former dragged on very slowly, especially with Bella being more pessimistic and depressive than I have ever been, and the latter overwhelmed me by its length and lack of action. Furthermore, the characters were never worth remembering, those in Vampire Knight were crafted in finest quality in comparison.

So what yanked me away from the series and discard it forever? Breaking Dawn.

Reading Jacob's point of view really showed me how ridiculously silly Bella dealt with her love for Edward as well as her pregnancy (another longwinded debate I refuse to comment on.) Without him, I would not have seen how annoying the storyline was getting. But what finally made me wish the series ill will was quite simple: Alice had a vision that the Volturi were coming. The whole "OMG! We're going to die!" melodrama forced me to close the book and never pick it up again. That's right: I could sit through the awful sex, the grotesque birth, the absurd concept behind Renesmee even existing, and Bella's stupidly unrealistic high hopes for a good pregnancy that only a delusional person could have. But that vision scene KILLED ME.

But the best part of this whole fad is the fact that it's considered a "saga" (JRR Tolkien must be weeping in his grave...) and is [or was] on every cashier, every store window, every "alternative scene" store, every item imaginable from candy to graphic novels... and EVEN THIS!

THIS. IS. AN. ASSAULT. AGAINST. LITERATURE.

I have never seen such absurd marketing in my short life, and I hope I never see such extreme measures ever again for the next ten years. At least things have quieted down since New Moon: it seemed odd that the fangirls didn't go batcrazy when Eclipse came out.

Without a shadow of a doubt, this series receives a grade far lower than Linkin Park's pathetic A Thousand Suns, which compared to this needs a 3. If only that Volvo quote never existed, I would without hesitation give this series a solid 0 in all fields: plot, characters, originality, research, and vampire interpretation.

Now if you'll excuse me, I will enter my insecurity corner where I will continue to be embarrassed of the fate of human-vampire romances. Weeping and listening to some doom metal might be a good idea...