20 June 2010

Want 'Splice' in Your Life? Don't Bother: It's Not Worth It.

My life as been very hectic lately, and I regrettably am neglecting my blog. For this, I am very sorry. Gomenasai. :'(

The other week, I posted an entry that talked a bit about a movie called "Surrogates." I didn't get into much detail, but it was part of a long entry of me typing random things at the top of my head. This time, I want to make a semi-lengthy review of a movie I saw just yesterday.

My cousin was over for the day and she, my parents, and I went out to eat lunch. We are fairly close and it was nice to catch up, even though the last time we saw her was in April. As we finished up our meal, we discussed what movie we wanted to see. I had nothing in mind because I was not interested in anything after seeing Prince of Persia: Sands of Time. Nothing else looked good. My cousin already saw The A-Team, so that was a no. My dad proposed Karate Kid, and we all agreed until we saw that we'd have to wait a while for the next showing. So, the only movie we could see that we could catch was Splice.

At that moment, I remembered watching movie critics on Youtube (The Schmoes and JeremyJahns to be exact) and what they had to say about the recent movies. I heard from them that Slice was a bad movie overall. Jeremy did not recommend it, and the Schomes said to check it out and say if you agree with the critics. After I read that the movie received positive reviews, something told me that they would be wrong. Seriously, if those "critical" people claim Lady GaGa is the best and Robert Pattinson is sexy, I have every reason to guess that they might be sheltered and ignorant.

I didn't say a thing about it to my parents and cousin, so we all went to the theater and saw the movie. One hour and forty-four minutes later, I came back with a blank mind. ... Ladies and gentlemen, I forgot how to form an opinion from the moment the film ended to when we finally got home. And by that time, I forgot 75% of the movie's content except the last twenty or so minutes of it. All I can say is this: if Jurassic Park was Jesus Christ then Splice was Lucifer.

This movie had a great premise, and good head-start into being an enjoyable story with interesting characters. But really, it feel flat on its face in the most disappointing way possible. This film has to be the Twilight of all science fiction: characters with poor interaction, poor sense of logic and morals; a dark mood that was so well done that everything failed to meet up to it; and a very small, unconnected world. I felt as if nothing mattered in the whole story but the two scientists, Clive and Elsa, flirting every five minutes and having the common senses of Romeo and Juliet: they had none. And the mutant, Dren. Don't get me started with IT.

WARNING: There may be spoilers!

How about I start with the plot overall. As I said the premise was a great one: What would happen when you slice parts of DNA from animals and humans? If I made the movie, I would have added 'Is it moral?', but clearly this film did not consider it. Splice showed everything that could happen: you have a new idea; your company refuses to help you; you make the idea happen illegally; the idea works; you hide the idea; someone finds out; and shit happens. The last twenty minutes of the film was so full of disgusting cliches and predictability that my experience was ruined. It was also full of too much information. I might be 16 and okay with Rated R movies, but the scenes I saw were just not needed.

Basic enough, right? It could have worked if there was a smart or wise character who is the voice of reason, brings ethics on the table, and argues it throughout. Sadly, there are only six characters in this story. SIX. Two of them are stupid, one is distant, one is a mutant, and two are business people and are irrelevant. Who would be the reasonable one? Maybe the distant one, Clive's younger brother, but he gets about twenty minutes of screen time overall before he is killed. The business people get even LESS time than the brother, so they aren't candidates either. Clive and Elsa are too blindly in love to even consider logic, and how can Dren tell us in the beginning that creating itself was a bad idea?

Ladies and gentlemen, this is what I had to endure for 104 minutes.

When it comes to deciding how much I like a movie or story, I need to find the plot interesting and the characters likable. Splice had unlikeable characters and poor development along with the failed ultimate twist at the end. I could only like Clive because the man who played him, Adrien Brody, was the only one who acted well. Clive could have been the reasonable one, the potential was there, but he couldn't stand up to his selfish, headstrong girlfriend. He was the most human character in the story, who had to face the mutant Dren and mutant-brained Elsa. Really, I could not stand Elsa because she was too much like the Bella Swan of Breaking Dawn. Too single-minded, too headstrong, and not having any touch of reality. I felt bad that Clive had her for a girlfriend. And what pissed me off the most was that she remained unchanged from beginning to end.

Speaking of which, the character "development" in this movie was laughable. For most of the film, Clive hated Dren and Elsa loved Dren like a mother. Then when most of the movie was over, the feelings reversed, and reversed back to before when the movie started to go down the toilet! But when I think of it now, Clive's was more natural; everyone can change over time. Elsa's was just so radical for almost no reason.

Also, I didn't understand why the filmmakers showed us glimpses into Elsa's childhood, but never got into specifics. All we ever got was that she was abused by her mother. What kind is unknown, and how long it happened is unknown. My question is, why bother to mention a character's aspect and leave it hanging? You people could have cut out all those sex scenes and actually NOT leave plot holes everywhere!

Ah, yes. Those sex scenes made me lose it. Why do you have to add sex to make an impact? From the commercials and adds, Splice is supposed to be a horror film, not Sex and the City meets Jurassic Park with Down Syndrome! Add more scares and not lovemaking on a couch or out on the snowy ground! Saying Splice is a horror film is like saying The Notebook is a tragedy.

Splice is rated R for "horror violence, language, and some sexuality." I would rate it R for "some violence, language, sexuality, rape, and whatever you can call 'sexual attraction for creatures not-quite human or animal'." Most of this stuff happens near the end of the film, and if I could add "stupidity" to the rating, that would make my day.

I should have listened to JeremyJahns and the Schmoes; they were right. This movie is horrible and I cannot comprehend how it received a 74% freshness rating on Rotten Tomatoes! Splice was a waste of 30 million dollars to make, and I cannot believe it ever receiving ANY awards this year (except maybe Adrien Brody, the only good actor in this film). I have to give this film a 3/10; it had so much potential, but it ultimately fell flat on its face for preferring sex, shallow relationships, plot holes, and other Twilight-esque materials rather than common sense, logic, ethics, and talent.

Without further adieu, please, wait until it is released on DVD so you can rent it. Otherwise, please avoid this movie.

Unlike me, my cousin and my parents liked the movie. I have nothing against anyone who has seen the movie and likes it. But please tell me why you liked it.

Anywho, now that this is done, I will not think of this film ever again. Excuse me as I listen to some Cradle of Filth so I can rid myself of the filth Splice left behind.

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