17 July 2013

Blue Screen of Uncertainty

I admit... it's been a long while since I last edited my Mass Effect 2 review. Call it writer's block or lack of inspiration: both mean that it might not come out for a while.

Lately I've just been thinking. A lot. I tend to do that when something feels off. Something's been bugging me and I don't entirely know how to handle it. And my blog has been pumping half-assed content as a result. The last thing I need is a break, as my infrequent updates are pretty much that. On the other hand, it'd suck if my blog is like a comatose patient on life support.

Simply put, Fangirl's having a bit of a crisis.

I find myself going back to my Persona 3 multi-part review. The game fired me up so much, I spent hours, days, weeks playing it and planning out the review. Part 4 underwent MANY re-writes. All it was about the impact one stupid character had on me. The quality of the writing, the grammar, and the consistency might not be perfect, but it's one of my favorite posts I ever made.

Yes, I love you, you stupid, adorable jerkass. Now wipe that smirk off that face!

Anyway... fire. Yeah, I think that's what I've been missing lately. Or at least, I'm not getting it enough. The whole Xbone controversy got me up and arms, ready to burn Microsoft's business towers to the ground, but what else have I added to the blog? Lame updates about the games I just bought? How many of them have I beat? *sorts through memories* Oh, yeah. One. Does that mean I'll talk about it? Maybe, but I'm not feeling it now.

... It's sad that even an agnostic diabetic praying for the gods to smite the world with candy can't get me to snap out of it.


For a good chunk of my life, I always had an opinion I wanted to express. I knew what I liked and hated, and if someone had a problem with it I had to live with it. Adults and peers would dislike what I had to say, or they dismissed me as an unreasonable girl with her head up her own ass. No one liked that I skipped junior and senior prom. No one liked that I had no interest in wearing merchandise "supporting" the local sports team. No one liked that I never dated. No one liked that I preferred to stop and relax if I got too exhausted. No one liked that I picked a major that sounds like I'll be Indiana Jones digging up mummies in Egypt rather than kicking China's ass in engineering, science, and mathematics.

As my mind continues to traverse in strange places, I wonder if I avoided or burned too many bridges. Did I force myself in a corner with little idea where to go and how to get out? Or have I just not found a beneficial way to channel my opinionated tendencies? I can't just sit on my butt forever stuck to a computer and spewing my few cents into an ocean full of everyone else's few cents that mean just as much, if not more than my own.


All this moping is missing is a razor blade and sad music. @_@



My brain's been being weird lately, I'm thinking too much. I'm not DOING anything when I know I should. I think I blamed it on summer before, haven't I?

Washington DC Matches Record High-Pressure Reading in Heat Wave
Heat Wave Triggers Hypothermia Report

... Right. I've been all loopy because I'm staying indoors to avoid the oppressive "heat dome" hovering over and stifling the East Coast. As a result, I'm cut off from the world and other people, further pounding upon my feelings of isolation.

Maybe if I go out and drive occasionally, that might help a bit. Besides, I have a car now, so I can go to other indoor places and escape the heat! Fangirl, you can be so dumb sometimes, you know -

Unrest in Middle East Pushes Gas Cost Higher


I agree, Amy. I agree.

... Things will get back up and running once I get back to school. No cars, no gas, no lack of employment to pay for gas, no heat. I'll have a schedule, I'll have purpose, and I'll have something to focus on in a healthy, beneficial way. AND there will be people to talk to.

But the most overrated season of the year is still in my way. *groan*



Consider this another update of sorts. I'm still undecided on what to do with stuff in my life. Trying to combat my usual cynicism, I can bounce back enough to get something out at least once a month. Setting the bar low so I can jump over it easier seems like the best way to handle things right now. Take that as you will.

Meanwhile, I think I'll still continue my fanfic. It's a project I put a ton of work into, and it's something I feel that I have to finish. There have been too many ships I boarded and jumped off partway through because I didn't feel like seeing how the journey ends.

Meanwhile-meanwhile, I'll continue to think happy thoughts as my country continues to shoot itself in the foot on many topics and controversies. For some medicine, I read Scandinavia and the World, where every country gets laughed at in some way, shape, or form.

In spite of this, I'm glad I'm not the suicidal type. As down as I get about things, nothing has made me THAT bad. I'm the whiny type, sure, but at least I'm relatively stable and down on earth.

The last thing I want to add is something that made me feel so cathartic. I really wish more people would say something like this more often.

Watching The Newsroom would better inform me about politics than the news itself, that's for sure. Maybe then I'd feel more motivated to make a difference.

Okay. I'm done whining.


Kimberly Marie said...

Hey there!
It's been awhile. I'm just dropping by to let you know that I've been listening to HIM some lately. I'm liking it. :)
And Emilie Autumn has become a favorite of mine.

Voltech said...

"As my mind continues to traverse in strange places, I wonder if I avoided or burned too many bridges. Did I force myself in a corner with little idea where to go and how to get out? Or have I just not found a beneficial way to channel my opinionated tendencies?"

Complicated questions. I don't have a surefire answer, but I might as well try and offer up a few of my own.

There's no guarantee that writing/blogging will be able to solve all your problems...but honestly, I think it'll help. Being able to express yourself FOR yourself is something that shouldn't be devalued; it may be stuff you're doing in your private corner of the internet, but it's helping you gather your thoughts. Form your opinions. Training, of sorts. If you can express yourself here, you can take steps toward expressing yourself elsewhere, even if -- or especially if -- it's an unpopular opinion. Being able to make a case for yourself is admirable, no matter what that case entails.

I could just be speaking for myself, though...because frankly, I'd be lying if I said blogging DIDN'T help me out. I'm a guy who used to keep pretty much everything to himself, to the point where people used to wonder if I had taken a vow of silence. I felt like just by saying something, I'd burn whatever bridge came my way -- but the end result was that in a lot of cases, I might never have built any bridges in the first place. Writing helped me learn how to express myself, letting me get closer and closer to becoming the ideal me. And it's through my writing -- and that drive to connect with others -- that I've not only met people who'll accept my opinions, but have been eager to build bridges with me.

I know our issues aren't exactly one-to-one, but I guess what I'm getting at here is that you've got to find something that works for you. Keep writing. Keep reaching out to people. And above all else, find your own answers. They're out there somewhere -- and there's no doubt you'll have them soon enough.

...Well, that's enough of that cheesy bit of pep talk. Better add something to lighten the mood. Jake, play me out!


Black Ragdoll said...

I'm sure things will get better soon enough! Sometimes life can be a drag but then it becomes a hundred times more fun once all the "meh" is out of the way (;

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