28 April 2011

Fangirl, the Doubting Bird

Usually my posts have some grammatical and spelling errors (I sure as hell am not perfect), but please pardon me if most of the errors are more apparent and common than usual. This is somthing I want to type out freely with little restraint. Even my choice in words could be bad too...

It has been a habit of mine for the past year or so to look up videos on Youtube for the simple pleasure of heariung opinionated people rant. But then I ran into some people who debated religion with each other CONSTANTLY. I because very curious, especially now that I feel more confident in myself to pay attention to various idealogies. It has now extended beyond religion; I can say i am curious about anything foreign to me. But that's a story for another day.

Many users I follow on a casual basis are atheists, whom I tend to agree more with.

To make something clear, if no one has picked it up from my long rants about school or my basic life: I consider myself an agnostic. Although I agree more with the reasoning and intellectual side of atheism, I cannot argue wether or not some supreme being exists or not. I personally feel that I - or anyone else - can ever truly know if there is another life after this, if one ideaology is perfectly true, or if there is some superior being(s). My religion book has pointed out that agnostics are "lazy" and unwilling to do any research or put a thought on the existance of God. But that biased piece of bullcrap book does not know me well enough to call me a lazy girl who hates to research. Sure, I might not do enough at times, but at least I attempt when I really want or have to.

It has been my fear that to form an opinion will allow me to slam every other door shut, never allowing oppertunity or a life lesson to be invited in. Even when I make comments on the internet, especially on Pandora, people send messages to me about how rude and intolerant I am. But what some reassure me is that I possess strong values and others feel intimidated by my confidence. Maybe that is the case, but I still wonder sometimes.

Being an agnostic at this time suits me just fine. I am a doubter and it takes me a long time to warm up to things. It took me four years to find two really good friends, whom I still treasure today. During my childhood, I would eat nothing but chicken fingers at restaurants: now my parents complain that I try too many different dishes that all cost quite a bit of the bill. Heck, it took me five months to have the guts to create a HIM station on Pandora!

I chose this path because I don't want to fall into dangerous waters. I want to hear both sides to a story and discover for myself what makes the most sense. If people hate me for it, I'll probably be saddened for a while, but my skin would toughen up over time.

But the last thing I want is to be so set in one idea that it shatters my core ideas beyond repair. I don't want to lose my sense of self and my sense of direction. One of my philosophies is to set standards at a reasonable level, not too high and not too low. If you put the pole too high, you can't reach it; put it too low and walking over it will waste no energy. Some have seen this as a pessimistic view, which I do lean more towards the downside of life at times, but I can define myself in two words: Pessimistic Realist.

And yet, I don't want to confine myself in that box permanently.

People throw the phrase "being open-minded" so much that I almost forgot what it means. Everyone I know has encouraged it when meeting new people and falling into different situations. But like anything in this world, there is a drawback. The other week, I talked to my best friend about my struggle to be such a person. Being the friend who has knocked sense into me time and time again, she said that I was actually a tolerant person rather than open-minded. She further said that her problem with such people is that "they are so flexible that they cannot form their own opinions."

You could say that hit me in the head faster than an oncoming train running me over in a dark, dank tunnel. But a moment like that is one reason I want to travel.

I want to be exposed to new ideas; I want to be challenged; I want life to be interesting. My school is not providing such goodies to my plate; they have given me nothing but cheap and stale leftovers. Obey this ideology because we say so, and please say your prayers to God or else you'll burn in hell. (Yes, some of my cynicism has been somewhat influenced by some of the atheists on Youtube. XD)

On one hand, I cannot wait until I head off to college, where maybe I can have more room to spread the youthful wings my old soul possesses. Maybe I will finally have the inspiration to stop sitting and complaining: to finally do something with the skills I have. I need a change in environment, a slight change in personal attitude, or both! Whatever it takes to be a better me, a better Doubting Fangirl. In the meantime, the commentaries and rants from atheists and theists on Youtube bring me some amusement from the caged frustration I have from Catholic school. At the same time, my parents and I have a church to go to where we feel welcome and at home. For a few hours on a computer and one day at a real community I find some room to stretch my wings.

So, if anyone tells you that doubt is unhealthy, that is not true. Doubt gives room for growth; however, relying on it forever is what is unhealthy. The same thing goes for blind faith too. Find the balance between both to attain enlightenment.

... I cannot believe I just said that. o_O

16 April 2011

Continuation of Previous Rant

Just in case my complaints were trollish and unconvincing, here are some vids on the abstinence issue:

Next rant will not be something completely different, I promise. :)

Skip If the Blunt Side Causes Severe Pain

It took long enough, and here it finally is: my rant on abortion. Tenebris had made a rant on it already, but it is time to add my few cents on my frustration.

Every year in April, the good ol' Catholic insitution I reluctantly call a "school" invites guest speakers, mostly from Generation Life, to talk about absenence. In reality they attempt to scare us into not having sex so the number of abortions in the universe magically drops. Fear = insubordination; and this is supposedly the twenty-first century. Some things never change I guess.

But off my small tangent.

A few days ago in the class that inspires so many rants (aka "Catholic" Morality), such a speaker appeared. He was a young guy with a good six years ahead of me at least, so he wasn't stubborn like an old man, reluctant to relate to the youth. So I give him credit for some of the energy he gave off in light-hearted jokes. But why waste time on describing the guy when I should blab about the issues I have with the whole chastity/abortion talk.

Abstinence/Chastity Talks Have Religious - Not Educational - Value

For one thing, actual conversations about sex do not exist in my ultra-traditional, rigidly conservative school; there is only preaching. Obey or bear dirty looks. Believe me, despite the uniforms we wear I get enough of that from my peers. But the largest problem I have with these talks is the fact that are not in any way EDUCATING US. Tell us WHY teenagers long for having sex. Tell us WHY it is so difficult to overcome feelings of lust (the whole "because we are human" excuse has never and will never cut it.) You must EDUCATE, not PREACH.

The extreme religious bias makes my stomach twist in knots far more times than when I watch Marilyn Manson's most explicit music videos. Again, all the reasons to wait for sex when you are married are for religious reasons:

- God intended it to be blessedly good (aka: "the Bible says so" or the "everything is full of sunshine and flowers" argument)
- Sex is a powerful gift of procreation and bonding (aka: the "secular society is screwing with your mind" argument)
- The hormone oxytocin permanently bonds you with your true love (aka: "the one to be with for eternity" argument)
- Those who do it outside of marriage share no commitment (aka: the "religion is right and society is wrong" argument... again)
- Sex is about family, not pleasure (fill in random argument here)

Here's a quick reaction I have to each argument (feel free to get mad at my lack of logic):

1. Sex is "good?" What defines "good?" Many might agree with you since the act brings great pleasure for every human who took part in this act. If it wasn't "good" in that sense, we'd have no human race. But if you mean morally good, it depends on the person. What about a woman who is tokophobic (fearful of childbirth?) What about someone who is taught a different philosophy about sex? Or better yet, what about you? You say sex is a wonderful thing, yet you are too embarrassed to talk about it or to allow sex education in schools. One of the many things you call sacred must be an avoided topic. Hmm... Maybe it's not THAT "good" to talk about then with the ignorant...

2. Yes, biologically speaking, sex is a reproductive act, which I cannot argue with. But then you list bonding as the second thing. BOTH are important. A family cannot be a family without bonds. Whenever Pro-lifers talk about this stuff, they jump right onto the thought of the next generation rather than the current one. "Screw the parents! Bring more babies!" might not be their intent, but sometimes it sounds like it. Regardless, I see where they are coming with this point, but it bothers me that sex is good if procreation AND bonding are the intentions. I feel bad for the couples who have bonded but want no children...

3. This argument is one of the reasons I am slowly developing a slight phobia of falling in love to begin with. Congratulations, Pro-life Movement, you are making me consider to live an old maid for the rest of my life and bear no children. But I digress.
Generation Life has this thing of scaring people with the oxytocin hormone and that it wears off over time due to too much sexual activity. They further tie this and the use of contraception in with the high divorce rate in the United States. But here's my problem: How do you know you will be with someone forever? My parents are currently going through a divorce now, it's painful, but breakups HAPPEN. Maybe the divorce rate is "increasing" because long ago it used to be FROWNED UPON societally and religiously?! I bet if divorce has always been acceptable, there would be more happily married people; many of the miserable ones would have long ended. But hey, maybe I'm wrong. Maybe it was those damn hippies in the 60s that started it all... (no joke. my presenter did toss them into this.)

4. In so many ways I call this argument a load of crap. Not every sexually active, unmarried couple does it for the fun. There are some who have been together for years, have sex, and share a commitment to love each other no matter what. Marriage is just publicly physical and religious proof that you belong to someone. Who knows: maybe a couple's "wedding" was a small promise made during a romantic event like - I dunno - sharing chocolates on Valentine's Day. In other words, the world is not black or white: there is always some grey in the middle of it all.

5. Again. Sex is about bonding, procreation, AND PLEASURE. If sex wasn't enjoyable... wait... I think I'm repeating myself now...

Yeah, Fangirl isn't in the mood to make a completely logical debate on this issue. Call me lazy. :/

Abortion *dances for joy*

To establish something here, I consider myself on the fence about this debate. I believe that if a woman gets pregnant very carelessly an wants out, she needs to take responcibility. But if the woman is in psychological pain and has exhausted every other therapeutic option - that's right LAST RESORT - I would say "it's your choice." In medical instances, again a last resort circumstance, I would nod my head to the practice. To be simple, I strongly believe in responcibility, but I recognize that there are some cases in which a woman might not be able to handle her pregnancy.

This might be a stupid way to see the issue, but I'll say it anyway. For as long as there have been smart people, there have been stupid people. For as long as there have been women who love pregnancy, there were women who hate it. If people are desperate, they will find a way; with tokophobic women (and those with similar mental/emotional issues) they would find a way to end the pregnancy, even if it meant killing them. Poison, overdoses, coat hangers, the list goes on. As disgusting as it is, I think it is better to keep abortion legal so that professional doctors will provide care for the women who will be stubborn enough to kill her child anyway. If you make it illegal, the Prohibition Effect might occur: "black alley" abortion clinics with unskilled doctors and unsuitable tools.

Well, don't worry, I still think carelessness is no excuse to go for abortion. Now THAT is cowardice.


This post is very subjective, and I will not be surprised if many of you are offended. In a way, this was bottled up inside for a long tim and I wanted to let it out. I am aware that someone will stumble upon this and try to use this against me in some way. But I will finish with this.

All I wish is for someone to not make me fear for my life. I don't want a religious reason for why something is a certain way. My parents raised me to be a responsible person; the ideas are based off of simple concepts many religions have in common (ex: be careful of how you treat others, respect others and yourself, appreciate life, seek happiness, and find a way to live this life in a fulfilling way). I cannot call my values "Christian" exclusively, which is why I get annoyed when Generation Life slaps the Christian "God" label to include some and exclude others.

Maybe the point of chastity is simply these few things:

- love responsibly
- think before you act
- do what you believe is best for yourself
- don't let anyone push you into something you are unready for

It is only a shame that these statements are too vague for some people. Furthermore, it is awful that sex is such a "huge" society problem that no one wants to talk about. I guess I'm lucky to have had parents talk to me openly about the topic; I learned more in those chats at the dinner table than a religiously bias group preach about the horrors of not practicing "good values."

Well, lets see where this nasty hurricane will hit next...

14 April 2011

There's a Poem in My Pocket

As much as I love music and lyrics... poetry is a medium I either enjoy or loathe. No in betweens. No exceptions. I might like a little of Poe and Frost's "The Road Not Taken", but not popular stuff by Silverstein or Whitman's classics. When Poetri and Taylor Mali visted my school to present their works, they were energetic and very entertaining (Fangirl endorces them: look 'em up!). Despite their creative personalities, nothing has changed my mind on such art. Writing rants and essays are hard enough: make me write a poem and prepare for steam and fire shooting out my head.

But I am now a bit less of a Grinch. Today is supposedly National Poem in Your Pocket Day. Poems were passed around the school today, and I received this nice piece (*shock*):

"The Dead"

The Dead are always looking down on us, they say.
While we are putting on our shoes or eating a steak,
They are looking down through the glass bottom boats of heaven
As they row themselves slowly through eternity.

They watch the tops of our heads moving below on earth,
And when we lie down in a field or on a couch,
Drugged perhaps by the hum of a long afternoon,
They think we are looking back at them,
Which makes them lift their oars and fall silent
And wait, like parents, for us to close our eyes.
- Billy Collins

05 April 2011

Vid for Lulz

New rant is coming up shortly, don't worry.

So enjoy the wait with this. Jeremy is hilarious. Find him on Youtube and watch his videos and reviews... NOW!

01 April 2011

April Update

April Fools Day. Yippee. *waves hands in the air*

Sometimes the internet sucks because you can never know what someone is feeling or what tone they are using when communicating. So for those who don't understand my language yet: I HATE APRIL FOOLS DAY. It's one of the worst days in the universe because - again - you can't take anyone seriously and trust is totally disregarded! But then again, I take things personally sometimes...

Anywho. I uploaded about 8 posts in March, which is average for me, but I still didn't post any... um... RANTS. Since this is 'Rants From a Fangirl', it's rather odd that nothing but reviews have been posted. And I even promised a post about the origins of vampires... but I didn't. The idea wasn't scrapped: it still sits in my drafts folder. Sadly I took the post like a research paper that requires a lot of time and research as well as more formal writing style in order for people to take you seriously. Oh well. That entry will be posted later; however, the date will say "March 31, 2011" just so it is organized better. After more tweaking and research, my origins of vampires entry will be up as well as a reminder somewhere on the main page.

In other news, I have a lit research paper to work on, so do not be surprised if nothing new is posted here. I promise to make more RANTS since this is not 'Reviews From a Fangirl'!

Besides, the one I wanted to post a while ago might come up pretty soon: some people will come to my school to talk about abstinence and abortion this month. Perfect opertunity for me to rant and lose followers. Kill two brids with one stone indeed!

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