04 June 2010


I can't believe I missed two weeks! But school is finally over for me and I might be able to catch up!

This time I finally have something to write about... but I can't think of a title! Everything I could think of only brought some form of negative, saddening feeling that can make the heart heavy. But a pessimist who depresses people via a blog is not my intention despite the fact that I'm a pro at being negatively realistic (which my friends call me out on all the time). Sometimes, I'm just a bit sentimental, and I can't help it. One reason why this might be is because I tend to drift off into my imagination, or memories, and leave the real world behind. Being an only child and being able to know how to amuse yourself can often lead me into having nostalgic feelings.

Now on to what I want to talk about.

Right across the street from my school, there is a family whose kids I babysit about twice a week. I'd go over after school, keep an eye on the two boys (a seven-year-old and a four-year-old), have free dinner, and get paid. They are very nice people (but the boys... are boys), and I enjoy my "job" very much. But anyway, they live in an older neighborhood, where the many trees are tall and old, the houses are were built in the 60's or so... I think. They have a big backyard with a nice deck, a vegetable garden, a hammock, and a swing set. Before I continue, I will say that as much as I prefer being indoors and that I hate the ungodly humid summers of the East coast, I love swings. Back many houses ago, my parents and I lived in a townhouse in Maryland. We only lived there about three years, but, I vividly remember that the community had an open field, where dad and I played catch once, and a nice sized playground. And what is a playground incomplete without? Swings.

Last Thursday, the boys were very irritable and they were separately playing with their toys. I decided to spend some time outside, and I sat on a swing and started to move. It must have been a little past five o'clock because the green grass and tree leaves gave off a soft yellow-orange glow. It wasn't sunset, but that golden radiance from the sun's shining on the earth gave the budding sensation of the end of day. The sun's kissing on my side of the world goodnight to sing morning cheer to the other side. From light to dark. From yang to yin.

I suddenly remembered my afternoons at the playground when I was younger. Maybe it was because I was swinging, or maybe it was because it was a late afternoon. The most vivid memories of the playground all seemed to occur in late afternoon, when the world grew golden-orange. I also remember seeing my shadow in front of me, which is no nowhere as small as it used to be.

Remembering the past, my swings slowed down to sways as I meditated to myself and took in the environment. Nostalgia filled me up, and suddenly a few songs I know were stuck in my head. They didn't seem to help me feel better, but they made the scene more beautiful and more poetic to fit the mood. One of the songs was "Field of Innocence" by Evanescence; "I still remember the sun always warm on my back, somehow it seems colder now" spoke the most to me. Even now, I still miss going to the park with my parents and having them push me as high as I wanted. Time didn't matter, school didn't matter, college was still many years away, and I was still happy, smiling, and naive.

I don't think there was ever a time when I wanted to stop swinging; it was my endless entertainment.

The other song that was stuck in my head was "Circle of Fear" by HIM. Part of this might have been because the color of the sun's glow reminded me of the gold heartagram on the over of the album which the song is a part of. No lines stuck out, but it was the instrumental introduction that fed my nostalgia. The guitars and keyboard in the song brought a sense of being stuck in some form of an intricate design that you can't see, but you understand what it is. It's not like a trap, but it's more of a state of mixed and intertwined emotions that you can't seem to separate. It's frustrating and confusing, and it can be saddening. Despite that, I find it beautiful. I might go into this later, but I'm just rambling.

"Circle of Fear" might have brought out as many emotions as the swing did. As I just finished half of my high school career, I feel caught up in an emotional hurricane. I feel as if my childhood is ending; most of my favorite TV shows are either off-air or no longer have new episodes, I get letters from colleges all the time, several of my friends have had at least one boyfriend, and time just won't slow down anymore. I'm still shocked that my huge discovery in my music taste was three-and-a-half years ago! And it doesn't help that I'm still a serious person, a wallflower, and a pessimist; sometimes I think I missed out on too much fun, especially with friends. It seems that Harry Potter, music, Naruto, my HIM fan merchandise, and my family and friends might be the only connections to my childhood that will survive.

I'm sorry if I cannot fully explain myself, but that might prove as to how far out in La-La Land I was. It's not a bad thing and we all need it every now and then. Maybe this further proves I'm insane. But I take it as a compliment! I love to daydream, and listening to music is one of the biggest keys to unlocking the door to my imagination (the other is solitude in a small, healthy dose.) It's only a shame I have so much inside but I don't know the best way to express myself. Writing helps, but I never receive much praise in return. It's nice when family and friends do so, but I can't help to think they only do that because they support me and love to watch me grow. But I need some constructive criticism every now and then! I might not feel happy at first, but in the end, I'll learn how to better my art.

Until I find the medium between thought ideas and the final project, I guess I'll continue to be a hopeless dreamer. At least with having thoughts and feelings of good and bad, happiness and sadness, my imagination will be well-rounded and balanced. Nostalgia might heavy my heart, but I have things and people that I love in the present bring light and happiness.

Maybe I'm not such a huge pessimist after all.

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